


Dermatophagia

by Vanilla_Ella



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Body mutilation, Dermatophagia, F/M, Fluffy, Gen, Hand Biting, Hurt/Comfort, Low-key, M/M, Mostly everything, Pining, Sad Josh, Sad Tyler, Slight Non-Con Elements, everythings sad okay, just a lil, mentions of past Debby/Josh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-12-08 06:30:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 27,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11640882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Ella/pseuds/Vanilla_Ella
Summary: The hand-biting is a horrible habit that covers up a much deeper problem--anxiety, nervousness.And painful, undiluted pining.(Or the one in which Josh was made to have his heart broken and his hands bleeding)





	1. Øne.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my frens.
> 
> Sorry I've been really absent from AO3; summer has been very busy.
> 
> I've just gotten back into the groove of writing after taking a long break, so please bear with me. This is weird and awkward and sad, just like me.

It all begins at the ripe age of 11.

Josh bites.

Nervousness and anxiety constantly put him on edge, his feet tapping in rapid succession and knuckles rapping against any surface available.

When simple movements don't do enough to soothe his overactive mind, he puts his nails into his mouth and begins nibbling.

It escalates from there.

Rough nails become sharp, bleeding ones, fingers becoming soggy with spit and blood.

His knuckles are constantly dark reds and purples.

The kids point and laugh, drive away the freak who eats his hands away from the playground and the lunch tables.

His mom looks disapprovingly at his habits, his father taking it into his personal hands to punish Josh, only increasing his anxiety and his need.

By sophomore year, everyone avoids him, whispers of infections and diseases constantly intertwined with Josh's name. Josh handles it all, his loneliness, his melancholy, with constant teary eyes and bleeding hands.

The habit carries on until he's a senior, and he only stops the constant biting with a new hobby. 

Unfortunately, even drumming doesn't stop sneaking in an occasional nibble whenever he performs, or when he's asked to carry out some task, menial or important.

There are scars on his hands though, ugly teeth marks from darker times, and nails grown strangely from being ripped out constantly.

As far as Josh knows (or was told), his hands are truly a horrifying sight to behold, so he keeps them stuffed deep in his pockets, hidden away from the world.

They weigh a thousand tons in his pockets, a constant reminder of how freakish, how sick he is.

Whenever he glances at his hands for too long, he wants to burst into tears.

He dreams of fire, cleansing his hands, and butcher knives, freeing him of his burden.

When Debby breaks up with him after graduation, he's sure it's his hands that drove her away. What else would? The horror and disgust in her eyes when she grabbed his hand out of his pocket, the way she dropped it so quickly and looked down in embarrassment and incredulity. Nothing had been the same since then.

Josh cries himself to sleep, knows he should've been adamant about hiding his disfigurement, should've denied her the chance to see and touch his hands before their whole relationship came crashing down.

Debby doesn't understand, just like everyone else.

 

•••••••

 

When Josh meets Tyler, he's 21 years old, and his hands are in their proper place, behind the fragile barrier of a rough cloth pockets of his jacket.

They're in a coffee shop, unaware of one another. Unaware that on that very cloudy, cold Columbus day, they would be meeting their other half, their missing puzzle piece.

Josh stands in line, stares blankly at the board. Bright chalk form loops of different tea and coffee names, all of which Josh has memorized by now.

But he accidentally orders a tea instead of coffee, his stupid nerves surging as he feels eyes bore into the back of his cotton-candy head, the expectant, impatient look on the barista's face making him more and more sweaty by the minute.

He feels shameful as he quickly walks to the side of the counter after fumbling with his money and paying as hurriedly as possible, getting out of the way and hopefully (mostly) out of the public eye.

He stands, waits, slightly bouncing on the balls of his feet to a beat thumping in his head, trying to forget the fact that he's already started the day wrong with the wrong drink.

How he'll ever make it through his shift at the guitar center without the proper amount of caffeine, he'll never know. 

He feels someone stand next to him, probably waiting for their own drink as well, and he ignores them as much as possible, opting to stare at the hardwood floors or the barista darting around the kitchen and mixing ingredients into blenders and such.

When she places a tan drink on the counter and calls out, "Brown sugar tea!" Josh moves forward, hand darting out of his pocket at the last second and falling close around the cold plastic. 

Everything happens so fast, another hand going into Josh's field of vision and closing around his in a split second.

Josh stands there dumbly, mind trying to catch up with the sight in front of him, the unfamiliar warmth encasing his hand. The feel of soft skin against his hand is foreign, strange. 

What catches his attention more is the fact that the hand that caught his is the bruised, colored-state of the skin belonging to said hand.

The marks are faint, smaller, but clear enough to recognize, to compare to his own.

He's slow, hesitant as he lifts his head to look at the person standing beside him, eyes immediately locking onto pools of warm caramel, rosy cheeks.

"Oh gosh," the boy says, burning bright. Josh feels the warmth leave him, the hand disappearing from above his, and he nearly whimpers at the loss. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I thought that drink was mine--"

Josh opens his mouth, but his words are lost, his vocabulary shrunken to near non-existent state.

The boy looks down, probably embarrassed beyond reality, if his cheek color is anything to go by, but Josh sees the exact moment he catches sight of Josh's still exposed hand, purple and red and blue and so very ugly, still clutched around the drink.

Seconds are eternity in this matter, and Josh almost feels his heart drop into his stomach at the thought of his hand being scrutinized. 

The boy looks shocked as he stares quite openly at Josh's hand, the only thing snapping him out of his observation is the voice of the barista, putting another brown sugar tea on the counter towards the boy.

He takes it silently and quickly, looking suddenly focused and determined, glancing at Josh once.

The drummer stands there, still dazed with the battle of thoughts and emotions raging in his mind; in his own little world, the people waiting behind him impatiently don't exist, the subtle glares sent his way from the barista nonexistent.

The boy covers for him quickly, as if he knows how overwhelmed Josh is, and grabs his arm, dragging him out of the way and to one of the tiny tables in the corner.

Josh sits down immediately, body on autopilot as he cant help but stare, and stare, and stare.

"Is--is it okay if I sit with you?" the boy asks quietly, pulling out the chair opposite to Josh's and tilting his head questioningly.

Josh nods quickly, still unable to find words as the other gets himself situated and as comfortable as possible on the plastic white chair.

"So..." the other boy clears his throat, looking somewhat grateful for the soft acoustic music playing in the background as some sort of distraction. "I'm Tyler," he begins with a small awkward smile, and Josh's heart hurts when the other doesn't outstretch his hand.

"I--I'm Josh," he supplies, stumbling over his words as if he's trying out a new language.

The boy looks surprised to hear his voice, and he mouths Josh's name as if testing it on his tongue. "I like that name," he decides.

"Thanks," Josh says softly, frowning a bit. His name is a bit boring, at least to him, in the awkward realm of being somewhat common and somewhat uncommon.

They both fall silent for a second, but it's not too awkward, as Tyler brings his drink up and takes a small sip, a soft smile appearing on his face.

"We have the same drink," he remarks, and though it's a bit of a dry statement, Josh grins too.

He likes Tyler's voice, the slight rasp and crack making his voice somewhat adorable and sweet, though his eyes burn with curiosity and a subtle mischief.

"We have the same hands too," Josh blurts, and immediately regrets doing so afterwards, with the way Tyler suddenly blanches, the grip he has around his drink going slack. He immediately tries to backtrack.

"I--I'm sorry," he apologizes as fast as he can, cursing his inability to properly socialize with anyone (the lack of childhood friends was definitely to blame). "It's just I--I couldn't help but notice your--do you bite your--?"

"No," Tyler denies too quickly, eyes dropping to the table and making Josh feel like he's gonna be sick.

"O-oh," he says, unconsciously pulling his hand out of his pocket and sticking his knuckle into his mouth. "I--I do."

He bites hard, until the taste of copper is flowing in his mouth.

"Hey--" he hears Tyler say, voice sounding a bit upset and Josh can't help but tear up.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles uselessly from behind his ugly, ugly hand. To think he had found someone like himself for once and to have reality rip into his daydream hurt more that the teeth sinking into his delicate skin. "I'm sorry--I thought--"

"I lied," Tyler cuts in, sounding melancholy.

Josh looks up slowly, afraid that the other boy is joking, is poking fun at him like the rest of the world does, but there's nothing other than sincerity shining in his caramel eyes, along with the sadness brimming in his eyes.

"I lied, I do bite my hands," he says, "or, at least, used to.." Tyler gulps a little. 

Josh stares at Tyler, a wave of sorrow washing over him at the absolute shame painted on the other boy's face, understanding all too well how difficult it is to admit something like dermatophagia.

Unconsciously, he chews on his knuckle as he thinks and wonders, eyes lifting to the ceiling as he gets lost deeper in thought, contemplating how, after all this time, he'd found someone like him, with the markings on his hands that set him apart from the rest of the world, all the while deepening the already-existing wounds on his hands subconsciously.

"Hey, don't do that, please," Tyler says softly, and Josh feels a hand grab his bloody, bruised one.

He can't help but instinctively jerk his hand out of Tyler's, expecting to see he other boy's face painted with disgust at the contact he made wit Josh's slightly soggy skin, but he only finds worry, concern.

"I'm sorry," Tyler says quickly, looking a bit startled by Josh's sudden movements. "Just--I hate seeing you hurt yourself."

Josh nods quickly, feeling embarrassment bloom in pink roses all over his cheeks. 

"Sorry," he replies meekly. "It's just--can I ask you a question?"

At Tyler's nod, he inquires somewhat hesitantly, "How--how come you used to bite your hands?"

"I was sad," Tyler answers with the smallest and most miserable smile Josh had ever seen, and though he doesn't know much about this stranger, his heart pounds in sympathy at the unspoken yet hinted long nights and battles. "Why do you bite your hands?"

"Cuz I'm scared," Josh replies simply, though his voice cracks with his unease.

When Tyler frowns, Josh lets out a soft quizzical sound.

"You're the bravest dude I ever met," Tyler remarks, looking befuddled yet extremely sure of himself all at once.

"What?" he exclaims, the statement all but shocking him.

Josh? Brave? Those two things just didn't go together; not in Josh's world, at least.

"Yeah," Tyler laughs softly, the pink-haired boy's animated reaction amusing him just the tiniest bit, "I mean, you told me you bite your hands, even though I denied it."

Josh's gaze falls to his lap. "But..that's different--"

"No, it really isn't," Tyler argues.

He extends his arm across the table halfway, his hand becoming exposed as his long sleeve slips gradually further down his wrist.

Josh gulps a little, looks nervously at the open hand, then at Tyler who has a reassuring smile on his face.

Josh slowly draws his hand out of his pocket, hesitating a million times before he slowly places it gingerly in Tyler's, eyes widening as the other boy grips his hand with a firm yet somewhat gentle hold.

Their hands are colored, different shades of purples and blues. Josh thinks Tyler's marks are prettier than his.

"It actually takes a lot of courage to admit something like this," Tyler remarks, and his warm voice is all Josh can hear, the sounds from the outer world tuned out and deafened, like he's underwater.

Josh thinks, plays over those words in his head a few times, stares at their hands connected on the table. "I guess that makes sense," he says softly.

It's a strange picture they make, both boys sitting and drinking their milk teas in silence, all the while holding hands and exchanging shy smiles as soft as marshmallow fluff.

For once, Josh doesn't feel the need to bite his hands.


	2. Twø.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting, my frens.
> 
> Get ready for the lowkey pining.

[ one year later ]

Ever since that fateful day in the coffee shop, Tyler and Josh had become inseparable, always hanging out and meeting up when their jobs allowed it.

Both of their families had fallen in love with them, when it became transparent how happy they made each other, how good of a fit they were.

One night, they lied on the roof of Tyler's house, staring at the stars when they were supposed to be dreaming them. Needless to say, it was ridiculously late, but it didn't matter much to either of them.

They always seemed to be dreaming when they were right next to each other.

Last Josh remembered, Tyler was pointing out the constellations, naming the ones he remembered. Josh has droned out, his gaze falling from heaven to the oblivious boy beside him, watching him as he rambled on and on about something Josh wasn't hearing.

"--and that's why it's called the Big Dipper. Cool, right?" Tyler finishes with a grin, looking proud of himself for remembering his small elementary class years ago, but the smile drops when he realizes Josh is staring at him. 

"Josh?"

"Huh?" the blue-haired boy startles, feeling a cold bucket of reality splash him back into the present.

"Were you even listening?"

"Mhmm," Josh lies, and right now, he wants to take Tyler's hand so badly, hold it in his own. But his scars scare him, and are there to remind him not to touch anything so pure, so special, so he keeps them shoved in the pocket of his hoodie.

As if Tyler can tell he has troubled thoughts, he quietly asks, "What's on your mind?"

"N-nothing," Josh replies, before he shifts to the side to be closer to his best friend, his only friend, and shyly puts his head on his shoulder.

Tyler doesn't seem to be fazed, and thankfully doesn't push Josh off in the way he kind of expects. He instead wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him closer.

The cool night air pierces Josh's thin skin, but Tyler's warmth keeps the ice at bay, and Josh smiles, snuggles closer.

Before Tyler, Josh was, in a sense, touch-starved, never having anyone to hug or hold. He'd never realized how much he'd been missing out, how nice it was for someone to be there physically and spiritually.

"Joshie?"

"Yeah?"

"I hope we're together forever," Tyler confesses, voice nearly nonexistent. 

Josh grins against Tyler's shoulder, fingers darting out shyly to play with the hem of the other boy's sleeve. "Me too."

"We should start a band," the brunet says suddenly, and when Josh looks up in shock, his eyes are brighter than the stars, twinkling like diamonds.

"R-really?" Josh splutters, knowing how personal music is to his best friend. The fact that he would invite Josh, of all people, to be part of something so intimate shocks him.

"Course, silly!" Tyler jostles him. "Where else am I gonna find a better drummer?"

Josh blushes, and he blushes hard, face nearly glowing with a shade that would upstage a vase of red roses. 

"Aww, don't be so humble," Tyler laughs when the other boy just shakes his head, lost for words. "Think about it," he murmurs, pulling Josh down to lie on top of him, "me and you, against the world, creating something we both love more than anything."

'I don't love anything more than you,' is what Josh wants to reply, and the words burn in his throat so badly, but he can't say that.

Instead, he just nods against Tyler's chest. "Yes," he whispers. "That sounds nice."

A future with Tyler is something Josh would happily take any day.

"When we quit our jobs and begin playing music, I think we're gonna be the happiest boys alive," Tyler says firmly, as if he has a crystal ball and can see into their future.

'I love you,' is what Josh thinks, but he crushes it hastily, the knowledge of his unrequited love quickly springing to his mind, and instead what comes out is, "I love it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I know it's kinda short, but I'm hoping to update on Sunday, so keep a look out!
> 
> Love you all <3 Stay Alive.


	3. Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What'd I say, frens?

Their first show together is a night Josh will never forget.

His arms ache from drumming, the corners of his mouth tired from how wide he keeps smiling. Sweat dripping off his pale skin, he's nearly passed out by the end of the show, the exhilaration of twelve people watching pumping through his veins.

He can't imagine what playing arenas must be like.

Tyler jumps around the small stage, stands on top of his piano, screaming his hurt and feelings into the microphone with enough passion to snuff out most performers. 

Josh is lucky, fortunate to have someone so energetic and enthusiastic about music as he is, and he can't help but smile the entire time.

During the first half, he was nervous, fidgeting. The drumsticks in his bruised hands twirled with anticipation and anxiety, but all of it melted away when Josh realized that it didn't matter.

His hands, moving close to the speed of light, barely attracted any attention, and Josh was relieved, able to play without worry.

By the end of the show, he and Tyler come together in the middle of the stage, wrapping arms around their sweaty bodies and bowing to the small, cheering audience.

As they meet some of the people who stick around after the show, Josh gulps, the nervous energy returning as the people he speaks to glance so obviously at his hands, now lying still at his sides.

He quickly shoves them in his pockets, and their smiles grow wider.

The fear dissipates as soon as Tyler comes to stand by Josh, putting a firm, grounding hand on his back, reassuring him with a loving smile.

It's the moment that starts the downward slide of Josh's love life, because never before had he felt so sure of the fire burning in his heart.

••••••

 

[ three years later ]

As the years pass, the audiences grow bigger, along with the stage and the crew. More shows are getting booked by the month, and the band is finally going somewhere.

Josh is happy, the happiest he's ever been.

He revels in the cheers of the crowd, in the shouts that answer Tyler's; he revels in the purpose he feels, in the courage music pours into his rather delicate soul.

The only thing he enjoys more are Tyler's smiles, his comforting touches that never seem to last and the unselfish love he pours into their friendship.

Whenever even a flash of a grin Josh had come to love so much is sent his way, his heart beats ridiculously, looping like a shooting star in the sky and bursting with affection for his best friend.

Maybe they've gotten too close, their relationship as best friends blurred between friendship and romance, stuck on the fragile line that seems to get thinner more and more everyday.

Josh hopes he isn't reading too deep into it, knows how fragile things are. Cold nights spent in the tour bus cause them both to huddle together for warmth, and maybe they get closer than they should, pressed against each other like sardines in a can, breathing in one another's warm coconut scent.

There are nights when they speak of aimless things, pointless fantasies; there are others when one of them breaks down, a fear rearing its head in the form of anxiety or depression.

More often than not, Josh's breakdowns lead to nibbling on his fingers, something he promised not to do and tried his hardest to avoid, but old habits die hard.

It'd been a year since he actually made himself bleed, and he's proud of himself, but more importantly, Tyler is much prouder, all smiles and gentle butterfly kisses.

It's clear that Tyler is almost sure Josh's habit is gone, but he's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be really pine-y, just a heads up...
> 
> Thanks for reading; please let me know if you like it <333 I appreciate it so much!
> 
> See you all next Friday!


	4. Føur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it's been a while since I updated and I'm so sorry :( I lost the device I saved all of my stories on, and now they're all gone, so I'm working really hard to rewrite the chapters on this story I lost. I'm very sorry for keeping you waiting, my friend, but without further ado, here's another chapter!

They're stuck doing an interview after a festival show, both boys high from their energy rush, all wide smiles.

To say they're happy at the moment is an understatement, because they're ecstatic, having performed for one of their largest audiences out of Columbus and having received so much positive energy back.

Tyler's answering a question when Josh gets lost in his eyes, his chocolate eyes twinkling as he rambles about some out-of-pocket answer to yet another question thrown their way from the interviewer.

Josh had been initially nervous when handed a microphone at the beginning, the weight in his bruised hands making it difficult to just hide them away like he usually did, but Tyler's hand holds his gently, clasping it and offering his usual comfort.

It seems like nothing can get them down from their cloud nine, until a curious twinkle sparkles in the interviewer's eyes when she catches sight of their joined hands.

"So, Josh," she drawls, coral lips grinning in an almost intimidating way as she suddenly turns her attention onto the drummer, "your guys' fans are some pretty loyal people, but they're also really perceptive."

Tyler feels the grip around his hand tighten, and he swallows nervously, knowing where the interview is heading.

"A lot of them noticed the markings on your hands, and they're really worried," she noted with a fake frown of even faker sympathy. "Any explanation for the scars?"

He swears he sees Josh physically pale to a pastel white within seconds, the energy all but spilled out of the room as a cold blanket of tension is draped over them.

Seconds of silence seem to stretch into eternity, and Tyler glares daggers at the auburn woman sitting in front of them, but she only prods further.

"I mean, it's not exactly normal for someone to have some serious scarring," she adds, her wolf-like grin widening.

Josh looks almost ready to faint, and Tyler's never been so angry, feeling so betrayed in all of his life. One minute they were on top of the world, the next they came crashing down; it was just their luck.

"Enough," is all Tyler grits out, jerking Josh's wrist to force him to stand up. "That's enough questions, thank you," he practically seethes, a wave of protectiveness washing over him as he continues to keep his murderous glare on the now-shocked interviewer, dragging Josh out of the festival tent.

He's practically pulling Josh through the grass, through the unsuspecting crowds, and through the parking lot, muttering quiet curses the entire way. 

He only lets go of his best friend when they reach the safety of their tour bus, quickly marching over to the mini fridge with loud stomps and throwing it open.

"I can't believe she'd--of all the stupid questions," he spits under his breath, pulling out the first Red Bull he sets his eyes on and cracking it open with swift, angry movements. He drains half of the bottle with one large gulp, the anger boiling and growing hotter with each minute.

He has to stand there for a few minutes with his knuckles pressed against the counter, focusing on his breaths and trying to calm himself down.

It's not for another half hour that he's able to clear his head, and it's only then that his heart sinks in his chest when he realizes it.

He didn't even check on Josh.

He feels guilt stab his stomach like a hot knife with the sudden realization, and he quickly moves to the bunk area, opening the curtain hastily and frowning in confusion when he discovers his best friend isn't there.

He panics for a second, wondering where Josh has went, before he hears a soft sniffle. 

He's a little confused, but he quickly bends down just the smallest bit and drags open the black curtain to his own bed, and surely enough, his best friend lies there, his back facing Tyler.

Tyler feels a bit of his heart break off and die when Josh glances at him over his shoulder, eyes red and puffy, his face blotchy.

"Oh Joshie," Tyler murmurs, quickly pushing the drummer over and squeezing into the small bed. He's a little befuddled at the strange feeling of his head being unnaturally low due to the lack of his pillow, but when he realizes Josh is clutching it in his arms tightly, he feels like he could either burst out laughing or crying.

"She saw 'em, Ty," Josh sniffles, voice rough. "She saw my...my hands."

He whispers the last word in an almost-hiss like tone, like even the mention of his bruised appendages was blasphemous. 

"Joshua..." Tyler murmurs in a warning tone, knowing what was to come next.

It wasn't the first time Josh had a breakdown over something like this. 

"I--I wanna wear gloves," the drummer says, voice wavery and eyes watery. 

"On stage?" Tyler scoffs, rolling his eyes at his friend's ridiculous suggestion. "As if that wouldn't raise suspicion and more speculation."

He sees Josh tense up, even in the lowlight of the bunk, and guilt quickly settles in his gut in a heavy, uncomfortable way.

He winds his arms around Josh's waist quickly, burying his face in his nape. 

They're so close (both physically and mentally) that Tyler doesn't even have to say sorry to Josh for him to know he is, and the tension drains out of the drummer's body as quickly as it built up.

"No one can ever see past 'em," Josh chokes out and breaks the few moments of silence. "But I can't help it. I-I get nervous and before I know it--"

"But you stopped," Tyler says softly, lips grazing the soft skin and aqua curls lying at Josh's nape and effectively sending electric shivers throughout the drummer's body. "We both stopped biting, didn't we?"

At Josh's silence, Tyler pulls away just the tiniest bit, slightly confused but a little worried.

"We both stopped," he repeats, flashes of Josh's previous relapses playing in his brain like a sick short film. But those occurred months ago...

"Josh.." he says quietly, a sigh escaping his lips. "Let me see your hands."

"No," Josh shakes his head. "No, thank you--"

But Tyler's already wrestling him for it, grabbing his wrists and trying to jerk them into the light. Josh prevails and puts up a surprisingly good fight for someone shouting with tears rolling down his cheeks.

Tyler flips him over so they're chest to chest, his confidence in his own skills and strength proving to give him the upper hand, as within five minutes of struggle, he has Josh pinned below him, his wrists still securely trapped in his hands.

His heart breaks as he has to watch Josh sob, watch the fight drain out of him and his body slump uselessly to the bed as he finally allows his hands to be drawn into the small, dim light spilling through the curtain.

What hurts even more, however, is the all-too familiar sight of Josh's bloody hands, his nails bitten all the way down to the pink and seeping crimson.

"Oh Joshie," he sighs, taking his hands in his owns, but the drummer beneath him screams, not out of pain but of horror.

Horror that Tyler would willingly touch something so disgusting, so revolting.

Horror at the thought of what Tyler could realize while holding his hands in his own, in one of the worst states they've ever been during their entire friendship.

It'd seemed like all of the times Josh had hid his hands in an attempt to not drive his best friend away were all swirling down the drain, all the sacrifices he made just to make sure Tyler didn't have a chance to be revolted by his hands gone with the wind.

But instead of dropping his hands in disgust or wrinkling up his nose and telling Josh just how much of a weirdo or a freak he was, Tyler only covered Josh's mouth as gently as he could with his hand, the flesh soft and warm, so unlike Josh's rough, scabbed, calloused hands.

"Baby, don't scream," Tyler pleads, sounding heartbroken. "It's okay, we're okay, right?"

Josh simply chokes, hot drops of liquid traveling down his face at a rapid pace. When Tyler lifts his hand away, the drummer whimpers as Tyler's holds his hands again.

"It's okay," Tyler repeats, bringing up Josh's left hand first, his breath ghosting over the skin.

Josh shakes his head as quickly as he can, whispering out soft, "No, no, no, please don't," as all he can think of are the repulsed faces of everyone who touched his hands, his parents, his classmates, Debby.

But Tyler's face is pure, open like a book. He has a sad look in his chocolate eyes, but there's no trace of disgust...yet.

"No more freaking out," Tyler says firmly before placing a soft kiss on the back of Josh's hand, and Josh would scream if he found the voice to.

His breath is stolen away at the delicate reverence Tyler displays as he presses his coral lips against Josh's disgusting hands, the tears blurring his vision to the extent of Josh wondering if it was even happening.

The feeling of smooth, warm skin and flesh against his own is enough testimony to Tyler's gentle worship, rains of soft kisses being showered upon his hands.

"You're beautiful," Tyler mumbles, truth ringing in his voice as clear as a silver bell. "You're beautiful and your hands are beautiful."

"But--" Josh stutters, finding it hard to speak as he's still mind blown by his best friend's actions.

"No," Tyler shoots his down quickly, placing kisses against every knuckle. "You do so much good with your hands, Joshie. So, so much good, and you shouldn't want to hide them away just because they're different."

Josh feels tears slip out at Tyler's words, and he can't help it when he begins sobbing again, the clear love overwhelming.

Tyler doesn't speak, only continues kissing Josh's hands, not stopping until every inch is touched by his lips.

"I love each and every part of you," Tyler says. And by the look shining in his eyes, Josh can tell he means it.

"Thank you," the drummer sobs, ripping his hands out of Tyler's and throwing himself into his arms. He hides his face in Tyler neck. "Thank you, thank you."

"What are best friends for?" Tyler inquires with a soft smile, and josh has never felt more love in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find yourself someone like Tyler, okay everyone? And if you haven't, just know that there's someone out there who's gonna love you no matter what <333
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'll try to update next Friday, but until then, stay alive! |-/


	5. Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi frens.
> 
> Please enjoy my happy (sad) work :)

As time goes by, they play more and more shows, their audiences grow bigger, and they're names become more recognizable. 

They stay the same though, both boys being simple, honest, and humble at heart. Josh would be lying if he said he was 100% comfortable on stage, but Tyler had helped him throughout the months and years spent touring, coaxing the drummer to come out of his shell, watering and carefully tending to his newborn and fragile confidence. 

Tyler always seemed to be sure to never let a day pass without letting Josh know he cared about him (and dare Josh fantasize, loved him), whether through tiny actions like holding his hand or cuddling him through a panic attack, or singing him to sleep when his demons kept him up with whispers and growls.

With every passing moment, Josh became more and more sure that Tyler was stealing every piece of his heart, little by little, and keeping it for himself.

 

••••••

 

It's one hotel night that it happens.

Tyler and Josh, though having enough money to book separate rooms, end up sharing one, wanting to be close after the show that night.

There wasn't anything too out of the ordinary; the show wasn't some sort of milestone or significant one. But after they realized how much better they could sleep by each other's side, how close they felt after playing a show in front of hundreds of fans and looking across the stage at one another with blinding smiles, there were fewer times that they decided to not share a room.

Freshly out of the shower and exhausted, Josh collapses onto the queen-sized mattress, moaning at the luxurious feeling of an actual bed after being cramped in the tiny hole in the wall on the tour bus that was more fit as a coffin rather than a bed.

Tyler crinkles his nose, staring at Josh with an almost disappointed look.

"I've seen fish that dry off better than you."

Josh rolls his eyes, lifting his head from the white sheets to look at his best friend.

"And this isn't even your bed," Tyler points out, jerking his head towards the other one to the right of him, though he has that knowing, teasing glint in his eyes that only Josh could see.

"I'm not sleeping in that bed," Josh mumbles, mirroring the look of mild disdain as he crawls onto the bed tiredly, dropping onto the empty spot just beside Tyler.

He can practically feel the brunet roll his eyes at him again, but gentle fingers card through his blue hair, brushing out the cotton candy strands tenderly.

"Wet," Tyler mumbles with a weird laugh, and Josh would be offended if the singer didn't quickly lie down beside him, fingers never leaving his hair and never ceasing their calming ministrations.

You'd think it'd be torture, to have someone you pined for touch you in such a loving way with the doubt of unrequited feelings in the air, but Josh is greedy, starved for love.

He'll take what he can, if only to fuel his fantasy.

His eyes are closed, a soft purr of warmth in the back of his throat as Tyler keeps soothing him.

They open when the fingers suddenly stop. 

Josh is about to ask what's wrong, a surge of worry pulsing through him, but it's cut short, words of concern dying in his throat when he realizes just how much closer Tyler is, bent over Josh and leaning on his elbow, their noses only a few inches from touching.

Stars burst and collide in Tyler's eyes, as clear and beautiful as the light of the pale moon pouring in through the thin curtains, and Josh can see every detail, every vibrant explosion of color in his hazel eyes.

He's so, so beautiful.

"Ty," Josh says quietly, suddenly awake as minty, warm breath brushes against his lips when his best friend sighs softly. "Tyler...?"

"Joshie," is all he replies, and it sends the drummer's heart in tumbles down mile-long hills, his breath getting caught in his throat as the brunet inches closer with every few seconds.

He stops just as their foreheads come into contact, their lips only a centimeter away, and Josh's eyes fall closed, swallowing a nervous lump in his throat.

His stomach is in knots, his anxiety pumping at an all-time high.

But Tyler soothes him, the hand in his cotton candy hair slipping and framing his cheek, loving strokes of the singer's thumb brushing against his cheek.

"Joshie, can I try something?" Tyler inquires so quietly that the other wonders if he'd imagined it.

"Yeah," Josh answers readily without much thought, and the amount of trust he's bestowed in his best friend's hands is enough to equal his very heart and soul.

And they both lie in Tyler's hands, just as they always had.

There's a pause in time, where bated breaths are clogged in their throats, hearts beating like the wings of a butterfly, fluttery and nervous.

When Tyler's mouth brushes with Josh's, it's all of the delight and heaven he'd imagined.

Warm and soft, cherry chapstick deliciously sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Oh wow this is great and happy and lovely... wouldn't it be terrible if something horrible were to happen?) *dark ominous music begins playing*
> 
> Thank you for reading. Until next Friday <333


	6. Six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens, enemies, and enemies who pretend to be frens ^^
> 
> Thank you for waiting patiently. I know this is kinda short but school has started and it's already tough ;_; chemistry sucks...
> 
> Anyways

Josh licks his lips, taking the soft pillow of flesh between his teeth as he watches Tyler run around the stage, screaming and going just as crazy as the crowd.

He smiles and tastes Tyler on his mouth.

 

•••••

 

The autumn winds are cold as they blow against his skin, his cheeks and lips light blue as he shivers.

Tyler's hand is warm in his, his hazel eyes like melted chocolate as he grins so wide, tugs Josh through the streets of the city with the bright lights glowing in his eyes.

Josh forgets how happy Tyler can be on occasion, and he loves it. He'd do anything for his best friend to smile all the time.

They're sitting in a cafe, the brunet having insisted that they get the drummer some 'dirt water' to warm him up.

The coffee is scalding as it hits Josh's tongue, but he can't feel any pain, not when Tyler's by his side, stroking his hand tenderly with his thumb and staring at him with those warm, warm eyes.

He's angelic in the warm, golden lights of the coffee shop, every bit beautiful and pretty as Josh had ever seen. His adorable pixie nose wrinkles as he tells a dumb joke, pink lips being bitten nervously.

Josh can almost taste the familiar minty breath, the light cherry chapstick as he stares and stares, mind wandering through dark tunnels.

"You're crazy, Joshie," Tyler laughs, and its only then that the drummer realizes that he'd been leaning in closer and closer to the singer, eyes being ripped from his luscious lips to the amused look on the brunet's face.

Josh's cheeks burn, and he pulls away quickly, suddenly feeling too hot with the realization that he'd almost unknowingly kissed his best friend in public.

Tyler only shakes his head fondly, mumbling something akin to "Not in public, silly thing," before hooking his arm around Josh's neck and drawing him close, pressing a kiss to his temple like a silent promise.

Josh flushes as images of shared cream sheets and hotel rooms flood his brain, skin against skin and gentle lips against lips. It's an innocent fantasy, as far as Josh's concerned, only ever stopping with sleepy kisses and feather-light touches.

His fantasy isn't far from reality.

He's straddling Tyler that night, their chests pressed against one another's as they taste one another's mouths like hungry babes, and Josh feels intoxicated, like he can't get enough.

Tyler holds his hands the entire time, only ever letting them go to grip his waist and drag him closer. 

All he tastes that night in bed is cherry balm.

They're both red-faced and panting as they pull away, and Josh feels his entire being warm up to a dangerous heat when Tyler opens his chocolate eyes and stares at him with such an intensity that the blue-haired boy feels naked, vulnerable in his predatory-like gaze.

"Umm.." Josh mumbles like an idiot, mind like mush after kissing the other for so long, unconsciously pulling his hands from Tyler's grip to rub them together nervously. 

"You're adorable," Tyler chuckles softly as he watches his best friend fumble for words, extending an arm out to cup his cheek. "So, so perfect," he adds as he pulls Josh close to kiss him one last time.

Josh can't help but wonder what they are at that moment, if they're still only best friends or something more. His heart flutters at the possibility of the latter being true, with Tyler staring at him with such an intense love it'd be ludicrous to think anything else.

He clings onto the hope as he settles into Tyler's side, head resting on his shoulder as he traces the tattoos on his chest with delicate fingers. He's always loved the black ink against tan skin; it was perfect, blending harmoniously and shining together just like the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Kisses here, kisses there, kisses everywhere.
> 
> Something to compensate for the sadness down the road.)
> 
> Thanks for reading, my frens ^^ If you liked it, kudos and reviews are always welcome! Otherwise, have good days!


	7. Seven.

It's warm and perfect for weeks, and Josh has never been happier.

His heart is stitched, slowly but surely with each of Tyler's loving smiles, his gentle caresses. He feels his soul mend and close up all the gaping wounds, just like his hands.

Each healing kiss Tyler presses against his lips is everything; every star in the sky, every warm summer breeze blowing through coastal towns. It's cliché but it's perfect, and Josh wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

(Of course, there are tiny times that mar the otherwise immaculate relationship between them. 

They still fight sometimes, just like best friends (?), but it's never too serious, never something they can't work out the next day.)

There are times when Josh looks into Tyler's brown eyes, and he sees all the love and want in the pools of hazel. 

(He pretends not to see the fear as well, the familiar uncertainty glazing his eyes.)

 

••••••

 

One night, they lie side by side, cramped on the tiny couch inside their tour bus. They've been so physically close the past few weeks, in private and in front of some of their crew members and close friends that no one bats an eye, or looks at their cuddling as something out of the ordinary.

Their friends are playing Mario Kart, yelling and shoving one another, placing bets on the two racers. Josh watches with amusement as Mark begins cackling wildly, nearing the finish line in first place before Michael shoots a blue shell at him, taking his place with a triumphant "Yes!" as Mark groans loudly and punches his friend in the arm.

Josh rolls his eyes as Mark begins protesting his victory, claiming he had somehow cheated, but Michael doesn't seem too bothered, only seeming smug with another win under his belt. The others around them are either congratulating Michael or trying to comfort the seemingly dramatic loser, and no matter how typical the spectacle is, it never fails to fill the drummer with happiness to realize that this is his life. 

On any normal night, Tyler would challenge whoever was feeling lucky (as, though no one liked to admit it, Tyler was the best one at the game) but the singer stayed surprisingly silent the entire game, his hand gently stroking Josh's arm up and down.

The drummer looks up, his cheek pressed against Tyler's shoulder, to see the singer staring at his phone screen with a wide smile.

Josh's heart beats faster, because not only is the sight of a genuine, wide, toothy smile rare on the singer, but it's one of those adoring, loving ones Tyler seems to have reserved only for him.

It makes Josh smile for a moment before his curiosity peaks up, and he tries to shift to look at Tyler's phone and find out what's made him so happy, but the device is suddenly jerked far out of his sight before he can even comprehend what's happening.

He blinks once, twice.

Josh turns to Tyler, ready to question the brunet with his gentle, inquisitive smile before it melts away quickly, seeing the worry suddenly coloring Tyler's eyes.

"What's wrong?" he inquires quietly, though he knows with their friends fighting over who would get to go next rather loudly, no one would hear them.

Tyler seems to have suddenly lost all life, as if a few seconds stole it all away; his eyes becoming so dull compared to how lively and starry they were only moments ago.

He ponders Josh's question for a moment, as the drummer watches all traces of love disappear as he stares at Josh with a sinking heart.

"Nothing," he replies almost monotonously, but it's a little too late to lie, as the blue-haired boy's interest peaks at the clear hesitation.

"Tell me," Josh murmurs, shifting closer and burying his face in Tyler's neck, one hand coming to tangle in the other's brown locks. "Tell me what's bothering you."

"I said, nothing, Josh," Tyler repeats, and it's a little sterner this time as he gently pushes the drummer away, a frown on his face.

The small sting that pierces his chest suddenly is undeniably quick and unwelcome, and Josh swallows tightly.

His hands clench subconsciously, nails digging into his palms. 

"I'm sorry," he apologizes quickly, a wash of panic settling over him as Tyler's face remains impassive and emotionless.

He looks so different, so cold.

Just like the stars.

And Josh wants to cry and shake him and ask where his Tyler went.

But he doesn't.

Tyler seems to assess the blue-haired boy for a moment, and it's strangely comical if it wasn't terrifying, with the way Tyler seems like a lifeless statue while the whole world around them explodes in voices and color.

It takes a bit before any semblance of life seems to return back into the singer, and he exhales a bit, the way he does when's he's stressed or irritated.

He pushes the drummer off of him, thankfully shoving him against the couch instead of towards the floor, and stands abruptly, quickly stalking off to the bathroom without giving the startled Josh a second glance.

"Ty," Josh mumbles just as he disappears in the bunk area.

He sits up on the couch, and tears fill his eyes as he realizes that Tyler's not coming back. A knuckle slips itself into Josh's mouth as a familiar coil of tightness erupts in his chest and squeezes the air out of him.

He's panicking before he realizes it, breaths coming out in strange wheezes as tears blur his vision and he gnaws on his finger.

He barely registers the voices quietening down around him, the hands coming to rest on his back, grabbing his shoulders.

He squeezes his eyes close as the tears travel down his cheeks in tiny streams; he's sure the darkness has come to take him.

"Josh," he hears his name echo as if its shouted through a tunnel. "Look at me."

It takes a few moments and a few more coaxing words before he obeys, opening his coffee eyes and looking straight into Michael's blurry face.

He feels one of his friends grab his hand and place it flat on Michael's chest, feels deep breaths.

It takes a significantly longer time to get his breaths even than it usually would, but once he does, the tears are dry, and he's not shaking anymore.

Michael tugs Josh into his large arms, holding him close as Mark ruffles the drummer's cotton candy hair soothingly.

"Are you with us now?" Mark asks, voice much quieter and calmer than what it had been a few moments ago when he was screaming for justice over a video game.

Josh nods once, hiding his face in Michael's shoulder.

He tastes copper in his mouth, streaming from the chewed appendage in his mouth.

And he bites harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small notes:
> 
> poor Jish
> 
> kinda mean Ty
> 
> ...I love Michael, just so you know.
> 
> Also what on earth could be on Ty's phone for him to be so secretive hmm 
> 
> Anyways...Thanks so much for reading! Comments and kudos are welcome and certainly appreciated :)


	8. Eight.

That night, Josh lies in his bunk, silent tears streaming down his cheeks as he chokes.

Tyler hates him.

He knew the moment would come when the singer would snap to his senses, realize how disgusting, how wrong it was to love someone like Josh.

Why couldn't he ever be good enough?

Josh makes the mistake of wondering if Tyler had found someone else, someone better, and he presses his hand over his mouth as he heaves.

His disgusting hand.

He curses it to the ends of the universe and back, wanting to gnaw it off his arm so he won't have to look at it.

He's halfway into tearing into the flesh of his palm when the curtain slides open suddenly.

He doesn't even have the time to let out a yelp before hands grab his shirt and drag him out of his bed.

Arms encircle around him like a snake, tight and vicious, unrelenting. He barely registers himself being stuffed into bunk under his (Tyler's) and the body sliding in beside him, almost pressing him against the wall with how little space there is.

A familiar pixie nose presses into the back of his neck, kissing the baby curls lovingly.

And his heart aches.

It's only after a few moments of lying in complete silence, covered by a blanket of darkness, that Josh finds his voice again, though it's soft and quiet.

"Ty--?"

"Don't talk," is all the singer says, his voice rough like he'd been crying. "It's okay."

The confusion swirls and covers Josh's mind like melted molasses, and there's nothing more he wants than to demand an explanation for the singer's earlier behavior.

But Tyler's arms around him and his lips against his nape are much better than him pushing Josh away, so the blue-haired boy remains silent as the singer wishes, simply playing with the bleeding teeth indentations in his palms.

And he believes that everything's okay, just like Tyler wants him to, because it hurts more to imagine anything different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was very short, and I'm hating what I've written so far :/ I dunno why, I just feel like this story isn't super enjoyable..sorry if you feel the same way.
> 
> Otherwise, I'll see you next Friday (or maybe sooner?). Thanks so much for reading <33


	9. Nine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: slight non-con elements in this chapter. please click away if it'll trigger you, i totally understand :) stay safe, love.

After that incident, Tyler returns to his usual self, affectionate and loving (though slightly more reserved), and it doesn't take long for Josh to dismiss the incident as a 'bad day', swallowing up Tyler's syrupy-sweet smiles and gentle touches once more.

It's one late afternoon before a show that Tyler barges into Josh's room, immediately garnering the attention of the blue-haired boy.

It isn't unusual for either of them to turn up unannounced in one another's dressing rooms, but with the way Tyler slams the door shut and marches steadily over to Josh, his body screaming control and each step dripping with authority that Josh becomes slightly alarmed, dropping the suit jacket he'd been smoothing out only moments ago.

"Ty--?" is all that manages to slip out before the distance is closed between them, and Josh is suddenly shoved against the wall behind him, strong hands clutching the front of his shirt in an iron grip.

Josh lets out a quiet whimper at the roughness, opening his eyes just a bit to see his best friend's face only a few inches away, staring at him with a dark, unfamiliar look in his eyes.

They maintain eye contact for a long, silent moment before the brunet pushes forward, connecting their lips.

But it's not sweet, or gentle.

It's rough, quick. The pressure against Josh's mouth isn't pleasurable with how heavy it is, just like the dark, almost angry atmosphere descending around the both of them.

"Tyler--" Josh mumbles against his lips, but he feels his best friend shake his head, push further to try and shut him up.

And Josh tries to bear it, tries to find some sort of comfort in the familiarity of Tyler's chapped lips.

But the more he tries, the more unfamiliarity he finds, the more harsh Tyler's movements seem to grow.

It's only a short matter of time before Tyler's trying to lift his shirt and he freaks out, shoving the brunet away from him as hard as he can.

Tyler stumbles back, staring at Josh with wide, surprised eyes.

For how aggressive and assertive Tyler's actions had been, he somehow manages to look innocent, clueless, with his big, chocolate brown eyes and his slightly agape, red mouth.

"Tyler, what's going on?" Josh inquires somewhat breathlessly, his voice cracking with his own confusion.

Tyler blinks once, twice, and Josh's mind wanders to the same night the singer acted so differently.

Chills run up his spine with the way the emotion slips from Tyler's face.

"What?" Tyler asks, his tone somewhat monotonous and almost mocking. "You didn't like it?"

Josh frowns and gulps as Tyler begins walking towards him again, his heart starting to beat out of his chest. "No," he answers cautiously. "No, I didn't."

Tyler stops his advancements just as his toes are able to touch Josh's, suddenly so close and stealing away Josh's breath again.

Josh's gaze quickly drops to the ground, and he's never felt more nervous in his life, his hand beginning to creep up to his mouth.

He feels Tyler's hand interfere though, rough with callouses from playing the bass and holding microphones all the time, grab his hand before he's able to slip a knuckle into his mouth, and he lets out somewhat of a wheezy breath, trying to force oxygen into his lungs although they seemed to have shriveled up and died with terror.

He tries to calm himself, remind himself that it's Tyler, and it's alright because Tyler is safe, and Tyler's okay.

His eyes squeeze shut as he feels fingers trail along his cheek, grasping his chin. The fear of being forced into another violent kiss is a fear that Josh tries to swallow down as he feels his head being tilted upwards just the smallest bit.

He doesn't even dare open an eye as the world seems to stop, no movement of any kind occurring for what had to be the longest moment of his life.

But instead of an aggressive pair of lips pressing insistently against his, a body gently pushes him against the wall, arms encircling around his torso.

"'M sorry," Tyler mumbles, and gone is any confrontational tone that previously soaked his words with robotic venom. "I'm sorry, Joshua."

Josh gulps, opens his eyes somewhat tentatively as he gingerly puts his arms around Tyler.

He doesn't know what to make of Tyler's behavior at first, the subtle fear still lingering in Josh's mind.

But as he continues to hold his best friend, he feels himself begin to relax, a sigh escaping as Tyler continues apologizing profusely, his voice bleeding with sorrow.

"I--I don't know why I did that," the brunet sniffles, and Josh's heart breaks with guilt. "I don't know why I acted so rough, but...but you know I'd never hurt you."

Tyler pulls away, his hands still resting like blocks of cement against Josh's hips, trapping him from moving away if he wanted to, and his chocolate eyes are red with sadness. "I'm so, so sorry." 

As he stares at the heartbroken look in Tyler's eyes, Josh internally berates himself for making Tyler feel bad, the guilt threatening to crack him in two.

Of course Tyler would never hurt him.

"No, no, I'm sorry," Josh insists, gently placing a hand on the right side of Tyler's face and feeling tears flood his eyes as Tyler covers it with his own, nuzzling it for a moment. "I shouldn't have pushed you away, I'm so dumb."

Tyler just shrugs, mumbles how it was his fault, but Josh shakes his head, forcing himself to swallow the last ounce of fear and leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to Tyler's lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really nervous about this chapter because of the roughness in it :/ don't worry, it won't get worse than this (in regards to the non-con element)
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcome and immensely appreciated! Otherwise, see you Sunday with some more summer-autumn sadness :)


	10. Ten.

Days after that, Josh can still feel the somewhat tense, angry aura around Tyler, always being on edge and snapping at nearly everyone other than Josh.

One night while they lie in bed, Josh rolls over, expecting to find the singer sleeping but instead meeting a very awake Tyler Joseph.

He looks exhausted beyond belief, and Josh frowns, reaching a hand out.

"It's two in the morning," he mumbles, reciting what he read off the hotel clock just moments ago.

"I know," Tyler yawns, rubbing his eyes and sighing contently as Josh's hand descends onto his cheek.

He's hesitant, a bit nervous to ask after what happened last time, but he knows he has to take a chance. He wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully knowing he didn't try to find out what was wrong with Tyler.

"Can--can I ask you what has you so..worked up?" he asks quietly, stroking Tyler's cheek with his thumb.

Tyler looks hesitant, somewhat fearful, but Josh simply smiles comfortingly, whispering gentle assurances as he presses his forehead against the brunet's.

Finally, he seems to crack.

"Just...I was just on the phone with my mom," Tyler begins nervously.

Josh nods encouragingly, grabbing his hands and holding them close to his chest.

"And..well..we were talking about the normal stuff, and..." Tyler gets a distant look in his eye, but Josh squeezes his hands encouragingly.

"You can tell me," he says softly. "I'm here for you, Ty."

The statement seems to comfort Tyler, and all tension drains out of his body. "Well..she said something that made me kinda..angry."

Josh tilts his head, frowning a bit. He knew from personal experience that Tyler's mom was a generally sweet and good-hearted person, though she could be a little stubborn at times, and wondered what she could've said that would upset Tyler so much.

"And that was..?"

"And it was--um--" Tyler's cheeks burned bright, from embarrassment or anger, Josh couldn't tell. "Well, she wants me to get..married soon."

Josh's eyes widen a bit, and suddenly the atmosphere feels too heavy for him, his face heating up to what had to be a thousand degrees Celsius.

"Oh," he says simply. And it's all he really could say, the shock still washing over him in waves.

"Yeah," Tyler says quietly, and Josh swears he sees him glance at the drummer out of the corner of his eye almost shyly before quickly looking away. "I just--I don't like her having to always say something about my life, y'know?" 

"I--uhh--" Josh gulps, looks down and picks at his fingers. "Yeah, I know, Ty."

He misses the way Tyler's face falls as they delve into silence as Josh subconsciously pulls at the skin of the fourth finger on his left hand.

 

••••••••

 

It begins going downhill during the last few weeks of touring for Vessel.

Josh still clings to Tyler's side, and they're both still close, sharing secret kisses and gentle cuddles, but never going any further.

The question, though once small and trivial, had only gotten bigger and more confusing as Josh witnessed Tyler's behavior around him, the loving stares and endless adoring nuzzles setting his heart on fire.

But as the days began passing, as they both steadily became more and more exhausted with touring, with being away from home for so long, with worrying if anyone would ever show up to their performances, it seemed harder for Josh to pin down his best friend when he was looking for comfort or someone to hold.

He began to disappear whenever they went to another city, always going out for walks or hiding away in his bunk, clearly wanting to be alone.

It hurt Josh whenever Tyler would shoot him those apologetic frowns, those sympathetic eyes that screamed "I'm sorry but not enough to want to be around you."

And it was okay, because Josh was not a clingy girlfriend who was begging for every second of her boyfriend's attention. 

But he felt that way sometimes. 

And he'd always beat himself up for it; especially when he found himself getting upset when Tyler would hide away his phone from Josh, their unspoken policy of no secrets being broken from the mere fact that the singer had indeed something to hide from Josh, with the way he shielded his phone screen protectively whenever the drummer was around or pressed it against his chest in an attempt to hide it.

And Josh hated himself for becoming melancholy over it, for becoming worried.

Worried that Tyler was trying to hurt him in secret, stab him in the back somehow.

He bit his hands raw one particular night that it plagued him, berating himself over and over in his mind as he heard Tyler quietly talk on the phone below him, whispers filtering through the bunk and the low thrum of the bus engine below them.

That was another thing that began happening more; separation during night.

Josh didn't know he'd ever feel so lonely when Tyler stopped sleeping with him every night, without having a warm body to cuddle with and hold while he slept.

It fills his eyes with tears to think of how selfish he's being, of how dramatic he's making the situation.

He'd never hurt me, is what he repeats in his head, over and over, but with every passing day, it's getting harder to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -.- whatcha doing ty
> 
> Hope you all are having great days/nights! See you next Friday <3333


	11. Eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just remembered it was friday and I had to update whoops

It's a sinking feeling, really.

Lungs being filled with water or smoke.

Either way, he can't breathe.

Tyler kisses him deeply, pulling the last bit of breath out of his lungs and taking it for himself.

He can't quite explain it, what feels so different, makes the air seem so heavy and thick in Tyler's dressing room. 

The moment he saw the hurt in Tyler's eyes, the searing pain that filled them with tears, Josh knew something was wrong.

And he tries to get Tyler to talk to him about it, pushes him away gently and says that he can tell him anything, that he'll help Tyler get through whatever he's going through.

"No, no," Tyler whines, pushing Josh's hands off of his shoulders and diving back into his personal space, kissing his lips desperately, sucking on his jaw hungrily.

Josh wants to stop him from causing purple marks to blossom in his pale skin, but he doesn't, out of love and respect. 

Because Tyler acts like he needs this, like he'll die without it, a fish out of water.

It doesn't take long, however, for him to break down into tears though, his lips finally leaving Josh's delicate skin as he begins sobbing quietly into Josh's neck and clinging onto him tightly. 

"I'll miss you," he mumbles so softly into his shirt that Josh almost can't understand what he's saying. "I'll miss you so much."

Josh doesn't say anything, confused and hurt by the way Tyler cries, the way he's obviously suffering. He holds him tightly, presses kisses into his brown hair and hopes against hope that Tyler will never leave him.

 

•••••••••

 

Only a few nights later, Tyler declares the unthinkable.

They're both lying in bed, crushed into the tiny slot in the wall of the moving bus. Josh's head lies on his shoulder as he quietly traces the small beauty marks on Tyler's chest, drawing invisible lines between each small dot and connecting them with the soft pads of his fingers.

He can touch Tyler's soft skin for days; it's so perfect and tan under his wandering hands, soaked with every drop of the sun. 

His heart beats like the crashing waves of the ocean, strong and sure, and it makes Josh feel safe as he presses his ear to his chest, shutting his eyes as he listens to the beats.

He feels familiar fingers gently grasp his chin and tip it up, and he keeps his eyes closed out of habit, moving automatically forward to press his lips to Tyler.

He feels the hand tighten under his chin, effectively stopping him and his eyes flutter open.

Tyler's hazel orbs are full of sadness, a sharp melancholy that pierces Josh so suddenly and deflates every bit of peaceful joy out of his soul. So agonized is Tyler's face, in fact, that it steals away Josh's breath.

"What's wrong, love?" the term of endearment slips out so easily, so quickly as his hands fly up to cup his cheeks.

Tyler opens his mouth, every bit reluctant as Josh had ever seen him. His eyes flick down for a moment, out of burning shame that rushes through his soul.

He looks like he's bursting, like if he opens his mouth the truth will come spilling out without his discretion, and it scares Josh to see him so conflicted, looking so worried and sorrowful that it crushes his heart.

"Ty, what is it?" Josh whispers, stroking his thumb across his cheek and trying to find him, find his mind that's undoubtedly lost in the black sea of his dark thoughts.

Tyler's face is completely hidden in the dark for a moment, and the blue-haired boy waits patiently, albeit on edge with shards of his heart in his throat.

The low thrum of the bus engine only increases his anxiety, in the same way when Tyler finally looks up at him, meets his eyes.

But he's not the same person he saw only moments ago.

Because the man in front of him looks emotionless, completely drained of feeling with his seemingly hollow, black eyes and his usual plump lips pressed into a thin line.

Behind the suppression is Tyler bursting with fear and hurt, but none of it shows, not any longer.

"No," he simply says, grabbing Josh's wrists and tugging them off.

"No?" Josh repeats, feeling doubt begin to wash over him as Tyler continues staring at him with those dead eyes.

"We can't," Tyler says.

And, really, it's all he needs to say to break Josh's heart again.

"Why?" he inquires, trying to hold onto some little hope that Tyler's not saying what he thinks he means, but the tremor in his voice gives away his uncertainty.

"I can't kiss you," the brunet murmurs just loud enough for Josh to hear. "I will not kiss you."

And Josh had always been a delicate soul, a sensitive boy forced to cover up his feelings with his teeth and his bloody hands, so it's not a surprise that he stares at Tyler hard, waiting for him to change his mind, to pop out and surprise the drummer by saying he's only joking before planting a warm kiss onto his lips.

But Tyler doesn't, only stares back at him wth dead resolution on his face, his perfect mask not breaking for one moment.

Josh can't take it any longer and he quickly slips out of the bed, rushes towards the bathroom. Almost everyone on the bus is sleeping, thankfully, so no one flinches or notices when he slams the door shut, locking it with trembling hands.

He moves over to the sink, gripping the sides of it tightly as he stares at the drain, the empty porcelain of the sink seeming to mock him.

It doesn't take longer than a few seconds before he bursts into tears, his hands flying up and pressing into his eyes.

The sobs swallow him whole, and he's drowning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I will not kiss you)
> 
> I hate myself.
> 
> Hope you all are doing okay <33


	12. Twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I laff
> 
> I cri
> 
> But more importantly
> 
> I lowkey wanna die
> 
> (Bury my fics with me will you please)

Two bleeding palms and a thousand lies later, Josh convinces himself he's fine.

He's okay with the way that Tyler stops talking to him, stops touching him, barely looking at him; he all but runs past him, avoiding Josh like he's a Petri dish filled with germs.

His mom always told him that he'd be able to see how much he amounted to by the way people left him, and Josh's only comfort in the way Tyler acts is the reality (fantasy) that he hasn't quite fully left him.

Yet.

'He's going through another cycle,' he tells himself whenever he finds himself on the edge of tears. 'He'll come back soon.'

In the quiet times when Josh finds himself alone (and he is, more often than not, mistakenly left alone) he wonders and ponders the thousands of times Tyler seemed to give him a chance, an opportunity to be with him in a way that was far deeper than just a friend or a bandmate.

Every time he opened his curtain for him, invited Josh into his personal bubble, let him get close enough to touch his skin and realize that he was, in fact, real and alive, he was letting the blue-haired boy into his heart in such an intimate way, a trusting way.

And as he thinks of every instance of him trying to take that chance, trying to prove his worth to Tyler, not just as a bandmate or a drummer but maybe something more, he wonders if he ever had a chance at all.

 

••••••

 

A week later and he misses warm lips, sugary-sweet touches and honeyed lies spilling freely, misses it more than anything.

Josh sucks in a breath just as they're about to go on stage, looks over at Tyler. 

He's anxious and nervous, more than usual for some reason, and it's one of those nights when he needs his best friend more than anything.

The sound check early in the day was tense and quiet, as most of them were, nowadays. Tyler only ever spoke to him when it was absolutely necessary, in a detached, aloof way, his attitude towards Josh almost dismissing.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't shattered by the way Tyler was treating him.

A stupid part of him hopes that the obvious tears in his eyes will thaw Tyler's heart, just enough for him to give the drummer some words of encouragement, or maybe even just a quick hug.

All of that hope crashes when Tyler gives him a quick glance, a curt nod.

Josh's heart drops as he leaves the drummer to move to the opposite side of the stage, clearly not acknowledging the blue-haired boy's teary eyes and uneven breathing.

The screams filling the arena sound like a thousand demons threatening to plunge him underwater, and his mind grasps thin air desperately, trying to find something to hold onto.

The moment he moves his stiff body to sit behind his drums, fueled by the desperate need to not let his best friend down and give him another reason to treat Josh so coldly, he looks out towards the crowds of faceless people, the sea of lost children with their own tears in their eyes, and a weight settles into his chest.

Despite the thousands of individuals, his best friend at his side, the cameras surrounding them, he knows it deep in his soul, in his heart.

He's alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this story has direction and it won't just keep going in the same vicious cycle I'm sorry ;_;
> 
> (Also, sorry about ty being v mean to our baby bean...bad ty)


	13. Thirtēēn

Confusion.

It's white static filling Josh's brain, as he shifts his gaze from the blushing, grinning blonde in front of him to the eyes-downcast Tyler.

He probably should've realized that things weren't going back to normal when Tyler suddenly cornered him in the bus during early morning, a detached, cold expression on his face as he asked Josh if he wanted to meet a friend in the city they arrived in.

He was perplexed at Tyler's sudden suggestion to say the least, but the overwhelming relief that his best friend finally noticed his existence once again was enough for Josh to agree hastily, though stuttering slightly as he nodded.

He wasn't expecting to meet a strikingly beautiful girl, with golden hair tied back in a ponytail and glistening blue eyes.

"Nice to meet you," he repeats the phrase she had said only moments ago, slowly, gingerly taking her offered hand and giving it somewhat of a weak shake before letting it go.

He's perplexed. Where are on earth did his best friend meet this girl?

"Tyler's told me so much about you," she gushes, crystal eyes twinkling as she glances at the brunet by her side, apparently unbothered by his lack of eye contact with her. In all honesty, he seems more invested in the floors of their tour bus than the gorgeous girl at his side.

"Really?" Josh says, a bit of an edge sharpening the rhetorical word. In the back of his mind, he wonders what Tyler's said about him.

"Oh yeah!" she affirms enthusiastically, strangely perky for the somewhat early morning hours. "And besides, it's important for me to know all his friends, especially his bestie."

Josh lifts an eyebrow and tilts his head just the tiniest bit, feeling and looking every bit as a lost kitten. 

"Best friends are important, right Ty?" Jenna nudges him, clearly trying to involve him in the conversations. 

Tyler looks up suddenly as if awoken, glancing between Jenna and Josh almost nervously. "Yeah," he says softly. 

Josh doesn't miss the way Tyler's eyes glaze over as he glances at him, as if he's trying as hard as he can to put Josh out of focus (he is).

Jenna doesn't seem worried about his almost robotic behavior, instead smiling wide with her pearly teeth and leaning in.

The next moment plays in slow motion, the way her long-lashed eyes fall close as her coral lips pucker up, pressing against Tyler's cheek.

Josh feels his heart drop.

"You're so cute, baby," she giggles as she pulls away, marveling over his shy smile. "So nervous about me meeting your 'family,' huh?"

Tyler nods quickly, as if trying to stop her from talking, shut her up as soon as possible.

He looks at Josh, and the drummer can almost see the heartbreak in his chocolate eyes as vibrantly as he can feel it in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this is great isn't it
> 
> (Hope you all are doing okay <33 have some Rice Krispies Treats and smile today because it's only gonna get worse :D)
> 
> p.s. I'm v evil if you haven't noticed, sorry


	14. Føurtēen

At first, he denies it.

Friends kiss each other, right? They hold hands, cuddle on the couch, go out on dates: all friendly activities.

After all, those were all things Tyler did with Josh. 

Before Jenna.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't crestfallen when she asked to tag along on their tour bus with them for a few cities, when Tyler agreed amicably with a comforting squeeze of her hand in his own.

So Josh watches them go out, have in-depth conversations about everything and absolutely nothing at all whenever they're together. It's so achingly familiar that it constantly brings Josh to tears, a bitter taste on his tongue when he remembers how it used to be him in Jenna's place. 

Little by little, Tyler's smile comes back, his laugh comes easier with each day Jenna is by his side, his eyes crinkle with affection in the same way they used to whenever he looked at Josh.

The only thing that's different is all of those things are now caused by a twinkling, ethereal blonde.

Josh bites his lip whenever she makes him laugh, whenever she plants kisses on his cheeks. He digs his nails into his palms whenever she grabs his hand so easily and holds it so effortlessly, whenever she envelops him in hugs after each and every show.

He's sick to his stomach with envy, and he hates himself for it.

At first, he curls up in a ball, lying in his bed and hiding from the world, trying to make himself as small as he can as her silver laughter fills the bus accompanied by Tyler's. He muffles his cries into his pillow, clutching onto it tightly and choking on the remaining wafts of Tyler's cologne soaked into the fabric.

He's still confused and hurt, to say the least, the bitter reality sinking in drop by drop.

Tyler becomes an unreadable love letter to Josh, one that would only press the wounds and scars harder into his heart, but always the letter he refused to throw away.

Hope dwindles by a thread, hope that something might change, that nothing is over yet, though it's threatening to snap or break apart fray by fragile fray with every passing second.

As time goes on, as her foreign presence becomes a usual one, her nurturing nature directed towards Tyler and the entire crew, cooking and grinning and smiling and making everyone's life a cakewalk (everyone but Josh's), Josh finds himself slipping more and more.

 

•••••••

 

He can't sleep anymore.

He lies in bed, wide awake, the soft sounds of Tyler and Jenna below him as they whisper and murmur playing in his head like a broken recorder.

For weeks, Jenna's been with them, been by Tyler's side like a constant guardian.

Tyler's back to his usual self (besides the part where he still refuses to talk to the drummer except when it's absolutely necessary and won't look him straight in the eye). He grins and laughs and lives.

The crushing reality that Josh could never and never gave him what Jenna does is something that keeps him from sleep's embrace, despite the countless hours he spends staring at the black ceiling only a few inches above him.

'We were never more than friends,' he tries to berate himself. 'We never felt more for each other than skin-deep affection.'

The blood on his hands and in his teeth seems to scream "Liar," at him. "Anathema."

As he begins counting the final days of tour down, wondering if he should be more pained or relieved to see it coming to an end, he only hopes that he isn't as forgettable as Tyler's silence is making him feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because skin-deep affection always caused this much trouble am I right 
> 
> really hope you all are doing okay. please take care of yourself <333


	15. Fiftēen

"Alright, what's going on?" Mark sighs as soon as they find a small empty table tucked in the corner of the cozy, little café.

Josh groans, placing his face in his hands. He probably should've been expecting that question, in hindsight.

Of course Mark wanted an explanation for his and Tyler's distant, borderline cold behavior towards one another. Josh wants to smack himself for his stupidity, how he failed to read the fine lines in the declaration that Mark wanted to 'just step out for coffee with him just for a quick second.' 

He feels a hand grab his shoulder in what probably is supposed to be a heartening way, and he peeks through his fingers, seeing how Mark's stubborn brown eyes are softened at the edges with worry.

"Come on, man," Mark sighs, pushing his long-forgotten coffee aside as he lays his arm across the table to lean in closer. "Don't think I haven't noticed how weird you guys are acting."

Josh says nothing though his hands lower to his lap slowly, and he stares at the dark brown swirls in the table in front of them intently.

It's bathed in the golden light from the fairy strings decorating the walls above them and it reminds him of Tyler's eyes so much it makes his heart ache in only a matter of seconds.

"You guys are always shuffling past each other awkwardly, barely looking at one another, much less speaking," Mark gushes like he'd been holding it in for weeks. And he had been, because Josh knew his friends weren't stupid enough to not notice how different they were acting around one another. One minute inseparable and joined to the hip and the next they were strangers.

"Sound check is starting to get kinda uncomfortable for everyone, and even with the hell of a show you both still put on, it's not the same," he continues more sadly, more quietly, and Josh feels bad, knowing how much people were investing in their career, and how much of it was riding on Tyler's and his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Josh finally breathes, keeping the tears at bay as he fumbles with his hands. "I know we're...acting weird, but it'll be over soon, I promise."

Mark looks as unamused as he is unconvinced, and he shakes his head, crossing his arms.

"What's going on?" he inquires seriously, voice hushed as the chatter of the tiny place fills in the empty spaces.

Josh is just thankful it isn't too busy, as his anxiety would undoubtedly overflow if the café was any fuller.

"I don't know," Josh lies, trying to look perplexed instead of how heartbroken he feels.

He fails, judging by Mark's face.

He fails miserably.

"Dude, don't lie," Mark sighs exasperatedly, like he's dealing with a child who'd been caught sneaking off with the last cookie. "Everyone can tell: you guys obviously got into a fight or had some sort of fall out."

Josh ducks his head down, feeling shame burn roses across his face.

"What about?" Mark prods further. "If you can't tell, I won't be able to help."

"You won't be able to, either way," Josh murmurs somewhat bitterly, pulling at the broken skin around his nail despite the sharp sting.

He watches it bleed like his soul.

"Josh..." there's a small pause that makes the drummer look up, a hesitation on his friend's face that confuses him.

Never before had Mark ever been reluctant to say or do what he wanted, and it makes a spike of anxiety peak up.

"What?" Josh inquires worriedly.

"...Does this have something to do with that girl?"

Josh gulps, hoping Mark won't realize that he's hit the head of the nail dead-on as he shrugs weakly in response.

"Do you...." Mark pauses. "Are you...?"

"...what?"

Mark stares at him for a long while, looking slightly torn between keeping quiet and bursting with some sort of epiphany.

"What?!" Josh repeats, impatient with the feeling of being trapped on the edge of his seat, uncomfortable and eager in the worst way possible.

"You're in love."

Josh feels all the blood drain from his face. 

"W-what?" he stammers, and Mark could've screamed his discovery to the world and it wouldn't have impacted Josh more. 

Because the secret is out, and Josh can't drain it from the air.

"Dude, you're in love with Tyler, aren't you?"

"N-no," Josh denies, but that's probably his most unconvincing lie yet, with the way his friend continues gaping at him with wide eyes. "No! Mark, don't be ridiculous--"

"I'm not being ridiculous," Mark huffs. "How have I not seen it? The way you stare at him all the time, the way you're always so...oh my gosh."

Josh wants to run away, or disappear. Never before had he heard it out loud, much less admitted his feelings, and it's making him sick.

"I'm not," Josh says shakily, trying to correct Mark as much as he's trying to correct himself. "I'm-I'm not. I can't be."

"Josh," Mark says softly, looking sad as Josh tries to lie to himself, continues shaking his head like it'll pour out all of the poisonous thoughts in his brain, like it'll change the way he feels, the way he's always felt.

"No, no, no, I can't," Josh repeats like a broken record, feeling every bit as shattered as glass fallen from the sky. He stands up, the urge to cry or get sick all over the table too overwhelming to just sit still, and he tugs at his hair, tears filling his eyes.

His heart screams at him as he recounts every time Tyler ever held him, kissed his lips, caused that warm feeling in his chest to gather up his heart into a warm blanket of safety.

It's torture.

"I don't l-lo--" he can't even say the word, it feels like acid with the repressed realization.

He's crying before he knows it, almost collapsing to his knees as his legs give out under the weight of his dreaded epiphany, and Mark catches him quickly.

"Come on," his friend says grimly, melancholy, ignoring everyone around them staring at the pair. "Let's go back to the bus."

"No, no!" Josh shakes his head, looking at Mark with wide, teary eyes. The thought of seeing Tyler only brings him more pain, because the thought of his best friend only reminds him of what he'll never have.

Even though he loves him. 

With all of his heart.

Fuck.

"Josh, come on," Mark sighs, all but dragging Josh out of the coffee shop as he continues to cry.

His hands are full of teeth indentations by the time they get home, and blood seems to be the most vibrant color in his life right now, flowing in tiny, red streams.

He vaguely registers everyone on the bus asking what's wrong with him once the door closes behind them, and Josh wants to scream for them to rip out his heart.

It's the only part of his body that isn't working correctly.

He sees Tyler quietly peek out from the bunk area with worry glazed over his sleepy features, and the moment they make eye contact, Josh feels all breath leave him.

As the black and white, silent world seems to burst into color and sound with Tyler finally looking straight at him for the first time in weeks, Josh wants to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time he was falling in love, Now he's only falling apart.
> 
> There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart.
> 
> .....sorry I had to.
> 
> Hope you all are doing alright <333 I love and care about each of you.


	16. Sixtēen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter picks up right after the last one. Don't get it twisted.)

'I'm in love with you.' It seems to cut through his brain slowly like a sharp knife, blossoming in burning pain wherever it goes.

When Tyler seems to take in the situation, trying to comprehend what's happening as he just wakes up from his afternoon slumber, mind no doubt hazy and confused, he suddenly surges forward, probably to gather the drummer into his arms. 

There wouldn't be any other logical explanation for his sudden, caring attempt other than his hazy mind. Or at least, that's what Josh thinks.

Mark quickly intercepts his advancement however, stepping in front of Josh and stopping the singer.

"Mark," Tyler says, so quiet Josh could barely hear him over the sound of his own heart cracking. 

He doesn't know what hurts more: Tyler pretending like he hadn't been ignoring and avoiding his best friend for weeks or Tyler acting like he cared.

Either way, it hurts.

"Let me help him."

"You're the last thing he needs right now," Mark replies stubbornly, no doubt glaring at the other brunet. At Tyler's crestfallen expression, he rolls his eyes before pushing him out of the way. 

Josh is all but dragged past the singer, gently shoved into his bunk by Mark. 

"Shh, no more," Mark says softly, trying to calm Josh's almost frantic sobs as he runs his fingers through his electric blue hair. 

"How--how could I let this happen?" Josh chokes, the memories seeming to play before his eyes melted and blended in a cacophony of pain and sweetness, still caught up in the epiphany of his true feelings and Tyler's sad, cosmos eyes.

"Josh, it's okay," his friend assures him gently, grasping the blankets and covering him in a small attempt to comfort him, to provide him some safety in the battlefield of his mind.

They both know it's not okay, Josh more aware of the gravity of the situation, his mind especially heavy with his best friend so close.

(He's so, so close, and it only hurts more.)

"Is he okay?" he hears a gentle, feminine voice, and something pulls in his brain, something hardens in his heart at that moment. 

Anger as the realization that, maybe, the owner of said voice stole away all he wanted, all he needed, so effortlessly and easily. And to have the gall to ask if Josh was alright with it?

He was in love with his best friend, for hell's sake.

How could he be okay with that?

"Go away," he whimpers, voice refusing to reflect the rage beginning to burn in his heart, pressing his palms into his eyes and just trying to make the world disappear.

A childish part of him hopes the pain will leave with it too.

"Hey," Jenna murmurs, and he feels a slender hand press onto his shoulder in what probably was supposed to be comforting.

It's heavy, lead holding and trapping him down.

"It's okay, sweetie," she coos, and Josh has never felt so hurt, so angry, so confused in all of his life all at once. It's not hard for him to snap, really. Long overdue.

"Don't touch me!" he all but screams, propping himself up on one elbow and grabbing the hand on his shoulder roughly. Red burns his vision. "Don't you even dare!"

"Josh!" he hears an all-too familiar voice shout, and just like that, a startled Mark is shoved out of the way and replaced by an equally shocked yet perplexed Tyler.

"Stop!" he shouts, overwhelmed by the two faces in front of him, looking hurt and betrayed.

As if they knew how those two things really felt.

"Stop, fucking stop!" Josh screams again, releasing Jenna's hand from his painful death grip and shoving them both out of the way, landing on his feet unsteadily before he stumbles away as quickly as he can, clumsy as tears blur his vision.

He's almost to the door, his mind unsuccessfully registering the shouts of his name, before someone catches him in their arms, holding him tightly.

"Let go of me!" Josh demands, struggling and squirming in the grip of who had to be Michael. 

"Josh, stop it!" he shouts, grabbing the drummer by the arms and shaking him. Although he'd never been the largest kid in class, or had the most sturdy build of a boy, Josh was by no means small when he didn't want to be, and he lashes out, shoving his friend away with a powerful push of his hands against his chest.

He escapes out of the bus before anyone else can try and stop him, and he runs.

He runs with tears pouring down his face, hyperventilating and sobbing like an idiot as he runs through the city.

He feels everyone's eyes on him, watching as he tries to escape from the world falling apart around him.

He runs until his legs give out, until his lungs are burning and begging for it to stop, for everything to stop, and he collapses in a park, just under a fragile birch tree.

No matter how long he'd been running, no matter how fast he was trying to escape, his head and heart scream at the painful burn eating up his body, the emotions swallowing his brain.

He can't get away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm buried in school and sadness and ash.
> 
> yay


	17. Sêventeēn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow surprise

It's hours of sitting by himself, hood over his head, shivering in the cold, frozen by the weather or his heart, he can't tell.

The tears on his cheeks have long since been dry, and he stares emptily at the darkening sky.

It's hours before he hears a shout of his name, hears footsteps pounding against concrete and gravel as it gets closer.

"Josh!" Tyler screams, and he doesn't tear his eyes from the empty vastness, even when Tyler comes crashing down to his knees in front of him, grabbing his face in frigid hands.

"Josh, please look at me," he begs, stroking his thumb against his skin lovingly, voice breathy with lack of air and burning with desperateness. "Joshua...."

Tears fill his eyes, and he gulps the lump in his throat hastily, hating how it begins to slip, his emotions, his focus on the emptiness of the navy sky.

'I can't look at you,' he wants to scream, his heart cracking. 'I can't because it'll only hurt.'

"Baby," Tyler whispers, and Josh sucks in a breath sharply, soul burning with the way the affectionate word sounds on his tongue. Tyler tilts his head from the heavens, trying to get him to lock eyes with him. "Baby, come on, look at me."

Josh screws his eyes shut tightly, turning his head away from the boy in front of him and grasping at his wrists weakly, his strength long gone.

"Don't," his voice cracks with his misery, sounding pitiful to even his own ears.

"Josh," Tyler murmurs, and he sounds so hurt, so sad that it breaks Josh's heart again. "Joshie, please, please."

"I--I--" Josh stammers, words lost.

His anger is long gone for now, drained and replaced with a melancholic exhaustion, mind cloudy with what he wants to say and what he feels. 

'I can't do this,' he thinks sullenly, tears filling his eyes and choking him. He doesn't know what the disappointment that fills his chest is aimed at, Tyler, himself, or his own inadequacy. 

"Don't, Josh," Tyler begs, and he's tugged into familiar arms, face pressed against a familiar chest. It's so warm, and it only makes everything more painful. 

"Please," Tyler shudders as a wind seems to blow through them. "Please, don't cry."

It's too late for pleading, for requests, for anything. Josh is already shaking with the weak sobs he didn't know were hiding in his chest. 

He's torn with the desire of wanting to cling onto his best friend, wanting to finally sink against the body he'd been missing for so long. 

On the other hand, he's torn with the necessity to push away the boy trying to comfort him, trying to lick his wounds after opening them up so deep and painful.

He sits on the ground, freezing in the unknown city with an equally unknown man holding onto him, trying to either keep him from spiraling further or hold him down in the torturous state he'd been stuck in for so long already.

Tears are streaming down his tired face as he coughs the cold air out of his shriveled lungs, and he tries to just forget everything, forget the pain, the murdering ache in his soul.

"Ty," is the last whisper that leaves his blue lips before his mind falls through a hole, his body collapsing in exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone wrap my baby bean in a blanket his heart is aching so much smh
> 
> Thanks so much for reading :) you all are so sweet and I do genuinely care about every one of you <333 have a good day/night!!!


	18. Eïghteen

When Josh wakes up, he's all bleary, his mouth dry and eyes aching. The low thrum of the bus engine fills the air quietly, quiet murmurs filtering through the plastic curtain he hides behind. 

His mind is blissfully blank for a moment, face pressed against the fluffy pillow under his head. It's only when he blinks, rolls over, that his head begins pounding, throat scratchy and tightening.

He shuts his eyes tightly, berating himself as memories from the day before begin filling his head, how long he sat alone, out in the cold. Of course he'd get himself sick. Stupid Josh.

He half-wonders how he got into his bed, until memories of Tyler finding and holding him flash in his mind like lightening. 

He doesn't know if it's because he's ill, or because he remembers the heavy weight of misplaced, unreturned love in his heart, or if it's because he remembers how comforting and sweet it was to be held in his best friend's arms once again, but something has him gagging, bile rising in his throat.

He scrambles out of bed groggily, pulling the plastic curtain back, feet landing on the floor with a heavy thud. He hears someone call his name, but he bolts into the bathroom, stumbling and barely making it to the tiny room before he collapses to his weak knees.

The bile is hot and burns his throat as it's drained from his body in a rather violent manner, and he's heaving and vomiting and trying to breathe all at once, all the while his head swims and his eyes fill with tears of exertion.

He feels a hand gently card through his blue curls, soft murmurs over the disgusting sound of acid splashing into the toilet bowl and his own retching.

"Josh," he hears a sigh, feels a forehead gently rest against his temple when he finally stops heaving, crying quietly as heat burns up his body while his muscles shake with exhaustion. "Oh Josh, I'm sorry."

He feels the person stand, walking a few steps away before returning, a cup pressing against his lips. He takes cool water into his mouth gratefully, swirling it around before spitting the remains of bile into the toilet. 

Once he's sure the vomiting bout is over, he collapses onto his butt, coughing and scratching at his throat and shivering. 

He's tugged into an embrace, soft murmurs and coos filling the air.

As the ringing in his ear quiets, the voice grows more and more familiar, the tanned arms around him marked in an unmistakable-inked way.

Josh shuts his eyes tight, heart growing more and more heavy while his head swirls dangerously.

"--sorry you got sick, but you'll get better, sweetheart," Tyler mumbles against his sweaty forehead, lips grazing against his skin with every word. It sends shivers down his spine that shake his body noticeably. "Oh..oh, my poor Joshie, it's okay."

"No," Josh whimpers, his lungs burning with just one word. 

"It will be okay, alright? I'll take care of you."

"No, no, no," Josh shakes his head, because although its hazy and groggy, pounding with pain, he still feels the heartbreak deep in his chest, still remembers everything, the nights he spent by Tyler's side before suddenly being cast out, the girl outside of the bathroom right at that moment.

He feels lips press against his head in loving kisses, like it's trying to shut down his mind. "Shh, baby, you're shaking."

Josh whimpers, and he pushes weakly at Tyler, fighting to get out of his embrace as best as he can.

"Josh--" Tyler holds onto him tighter, like he wants to keep Josh with him, like he cares, and Josh's eyes fill with tears again.

"Lemme go," he demands groggily, letting out a high whine as he pushes and struggles.

Tyler lets him go quickly, and Josh stands on shaky legs, not bothering to turn around and see his best friend's concerned and perplexed face.

He begins marching out of the bathroom as steadily as he can while the world around him tips dangerously, a hand pressed against the walls to help guide him.

He's not far from his bed before a hand grabs his wrist tightly, and he jerks his head around to see Tyler through blurry, swirling vision. 

"Joshie," he says softly, sounding concerned. "Let me take care of you."

"No," Josh says scratchily, ignoring how his heart keens as a hurt look paints over Tyler's face.

"But--"

"No!" Josh shouts as best as he can, ignoring how his throat feels like it's been run over by hot iron wheels of a train. "Leave me alone!"

"Josh--"

"I'm not ready, okay?" he croaks, tears filling his eyes while Tyler looks at him so sadly. "I'm not ready for you t-to pretend to care about me before l-leaving me in the dirt, okay?"

Even while being extremely sick, he doesn't miss the way Tyler inhales sharply, chocolate eyes shining with liquid pain.

He jerks his wrist out of Tyler's hand and climbs into his bed, ready to shut the curtain in his best friend's face like Tyler was so used to doing to the drummer, before a hand grabs onto the black plastic.

"Wait--"

"Let's just finish this t-tour, okay?" Josh interrupts tiredly, too exhausted and sick to care about hurting Tyler's feelings. "We'll finish it and we can go our separate ways."

Tyler's eyes widen at that, and a tear drop trails down his cheek in the most heart-wrenching way possible. "Josh, you don't mean that," he says shakily.

"Maybe I do," he says, but it's not sassy or snappish, only melancholic and painful.

He grips the curtain and closes it, staring at it for a few long moments. He half-expects Tyler to open it and try to talk to him, but all he hears is a shaky breath, followed by quiet footsteps padding away. 

He lies down and rolls over, shutting his eyes that feel so tired. He pretends that the sight of Tyler crying made him feel happy and satisfied his vengeful side.

He rolls over in bed to face the wall and pretends he doesn't feel shards of his heart stabbing into his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Josh isn't having his bs anymore. Not today.)
> 
> Thanks for reading ^^ hope you have a nice day/night, my beautiful bean frens.


	19. Nîneteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> random Wednesday random angst

Like Tyler had predicted, Josh does get over his fever with a few days of rest and a cancelled show. He feels horrible afterwards, not only from having his energy zapped from his illness but also for having to be the cause of a show's revocation.

Thankfully, their last show is only in a few days. In a way, it's a relief to think of going back home, getting away from constant life on the road and it's downsides. 

Unfortunately, with what little time is left, the curtain is undeniably drawing close on the situation looming above Josh's head, the inevitable talk he'd have to have with Tyler becoming more and more unpleasing to think about. 

He's somehow able to avoid the singer, ducking and hiding and running past him whenever possible. When he feels guilt stab in his chest like a dagger, the way he's acting making his heart heavy. He justifies his behavior with the thought that he's simply mirroring Tyler's previous behavior, that he's just trying to play the game (he's losing at) as well. 

It goes on like this until the final soundcheck.

Josh is tense as he hits his drums, his usual passion quelled with the fear and anxiety choking him. He watches Tyler out of the corner of his eye, watches him strum his tiny ukulele with his lips pressed tightly and his eyes glued to the empty arena in front of them. He doesn't sing anymore, not when it isn't mandatory, simply plays his stringed instruments, his piano, with the same blank look.

It scares and saddens Josh to watch his friend become so colorless, everything failing to make him smile once again. Even when Jenna comes around, gently kissing his cheeks and his lips and stroking his back comfortingly, he remains impassive, other than the small, empty smile he gives her.

By the time they're finished, Josh is ready to bolt out, the weight of guilt that he's had a participating hand to play in Tyler's downfall yet again proving to be too heavy for his shoulders, but Tyler stops him before he's able to even stand, spinning around in his mustard-yellow sweatshirt, clutching his tiny ukulele against his chest in white-knuckled hands.

Josh gulps quietly as they stare at one another, and the emotion bursting in his best friend's eyes are the most he's seen in the past few days.

"Josh," he says, voice echoing in the empty stage, the only other sounds of the crew and venue workers walking around falling all but flat to the drummer's ringing ears.

It feels like years before Josh can open his mouth, much less let out a strangled reply, "Yeah?" 

Tyler's eyes turn a bit sharp, the all-too familiar edge making his chocolate eyes darken just the smallest bit.

"Josh," he says again, like he's testing his name on his tongue once more, like it's been years since he last talked to him.

Josh's eyes fill with tears suddenly as he realizes that it's felt like centuries.

"Josh, I--" he inhales sharply, looking down for a moment as he takes another step towards Josh, stopping just in front of his drum kit. He's so close that it hurts. "I--can we talk?"

And Josh wants to say yes, so, so badly, because he misses the sweet sadness in Tyler's eyes, he misses the soft hurt in his face. It's all too familiar, the way he's asking quietly and meekly to come back into Josh's life, never demanding, knowing that the other boy will always and relentlessly continue letting him in.

Even if he leaves him in ruins only a short amount of time later.

"I--" Josh opens his mouth, throat closing and going dry. His heart is screaming to say yes, to take him back and away from the blonde beauty who swept him away. His brains screams otherwise. "Tyler, I don't think that's a good--"

"Josh," he murmurs again, lower this time, his vulnerability finally shining through his face, his soft frown that makes him look so much like a kicked puppy. "Please... please, baby, please." 

And as much as it breaks his heart, Josh is used to the pain, and he shakes his head. "No...no, we can't."

Tyler's eyes crinkle with hurt. He reaches out a hand, letting his ukulele fall to the ground. 

Josh's eyes widen. 

"Please," he begs, hands and inked arms extend towards him like he's the heavens. "Josh, I'm begging you, please let me talk to you."

"Tyler," he says his name as he forcefully rips his gaze away from the pleading boy, the singer's name coming out sharper than he intends. He physically makes himself lower his tone. "I--I can't talk with you, not right now. Not so soon after..."

Tyler remains quiet, and everything seems so silent, so still. All Josh can hear is the air flowing through the room and all he can feel is his heart choking his lungs.

He expects Tyler to pry more, to beg more, to demand, maybe.

But all he does is let out a shaky breath, arms lowering as he stares at Josh through misty eyes. 

The drummer doesn't need to elaborate for Tyler to know he's unwanted, so he nods quietly, letting out a soft, "Okay," before he turns and leaves.

Josh watches his unsteady steps, the slight sway in his retreat, and he feels hurt begin coursing through his veins as he realizes, at that moment, how hard it must be for Tyler to walk away.

He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, and exits stage left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Conflicted beans...)
> 
> Hope you all are doing okay <333


	20. Twentÿ

Their last show is nothing short of brilliant or amazing. 

They're able to act like their best selves, Josh drumming with all he has and Tyler screaming into the microphone much louder than normal.

It'd be a lie to say that Josh didn't feel his eyes well up whenever his voice cracked painfully at the end of each scream, the way he sounded so hopeless and hurt.

He can't take it, barely makes it through the end when they wrap their arms loosely around one another, taking their final bows right after Trees.

Suddenly, fear that this might be the last time he plays on stage with his best friend, fear that the people cheering and clapping in front of him will all but disappear once he leaves the stage, grips his heart.

It all happens in a flash, the fake smile dropping from his face. He's horrified, humiliated as unplanned tears begin to drip steadily down his face.

He lifts his shirt and tries to wipe them away, letting out a strangled sob as the cheers and cries echo in his ears. 

He feels like he's drowning, overwhelmed suddenly with his thoughts and emotions.

He vaguely registers people beginning to shout his name as he cries to himself, ready to run off stage. He just wants Tyler to say their closing statement so he can leave and stop embarrassing himself, damn it.

But he feels the arm around him tighten, feels Tyler's forehead come to rest against his temple.

"It's okay, Joshie," he whispers over the screams into his ear, sounding on the verge of tears as well. 

Josh shakes his head, lets out another small, involuntary choking sound. He's on the edge of hyperventilating, having a full on panic attack, and Tyler seems to realize this, because he drops the microphone, pressing his hand against Josh's chest gently and turning so that his back is to the crowd, hiding the drummer. 

Tyler hears Mark yelling in his earpiece worriedly, but he simply takes it out, gently pressing his forehead against Josh's and stroking his open palm against his chest comfortingly.

"It's okay, Joshie," he repeats calmly, pressing a gentle kiss against the tip of his nose. "Just breathe... Breathe for me."

It takes shaky, weak breaths and Josh screwing his eyes shut before they become more even, more steady. Tyler murmurs encouragements the entire time, assures Josh that he's safe and he's doing so well.

After a few minutes, Josh is calmed, eyes shut gently as his chest rises and falls slowly. He pretends that it was only Tyler's soothing words that helped him, not the arm around him, or the hand against his chest. He lies, lies, lies, pretending that his heart gags when Tyler presses a brief kiss to his cheek before pulling away completely and picking up the microphone. 

"Don't worry about him, everyone," he reassures the murmurs and worried shouts. "He's just fine..."

Tyler turns to Josh, a small, sad smile on his lips as he extends his arm towards him.

Reluctantly, Josh takes his hand, ignoring how the arena erupts into excited cries and focusing on the way his traitorous heart dares to flutter happily.

Tyler takes a deep breath, squeezes his hand. "We're twenty one pilots and so are you! Hope to see you next time."

Josh waves to the crowd, pulling his hand out of Tyler's. He doesn't even turn around to see if his best friend will follow him as he exits hastily, wiping the remaining liquid in his eyes. Everyone is waiting backstage, patting his back as he walks past and congratulating him. Mark stops him, concern etched over his face.

"You okay?"

Josh simply shakes his head, pushes past him to get to his dressing room. 

As he strips himself of sweaty clothes and wipes his face against his towel, his mind begins to clear, the heavy fog lifting from his brain as the cheers begin to fade.

He dresses into his black tank top and his basketball shorts, pushing a few of his concert outfits into his backpack.

As he pauses to get one last look at his dressing room, his heart feels heavy, hearing laughter and clapping going on outside of his room.

No doubt the after party was beginning in the room beside his own, and he sighs, flicking off the light and walking out.

He pulls his thick hoodie on and puts his hood over his head, quickly stalking past the party room, all the while keeping his head down.

No one seems to notice him leave, and he's grateful, if not relieved.

He knows it's not polite to skip out on his own band's final party before hiatus, but he's much too anguished to care. He makes a mental note to send 'thank you' cards to the entire crew, knowing they deserve at least that.

Besides, he knows if he attended the party, he would be a mess. It would all seem too final, too much like a true ending.

Josh quickly exits out of the venue, escaping out of the back door, and walks through the city, thankfully not being noticed or recognized by anyone. 

He hears whispers though, feels fingers pointing at him.

He only keeps his head down further, shoving his shaking hands into his pockets.

He swallows heavy guilt and grips his plane ticket tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* another example of me living vicariously through my fics by making one of my character's literally run from their problems..
> 
> Hope you all are holding up <333 I care about you and hope you take care of yourself like you deserve, I really do.


	21. Twêntyøne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there were only supposed to be twenty one chapters at the most but look what's happening, the story is still going smh

Showing up at your little brother's apartment well-past midnight and on the verge of tears wasn't perhaps the most prudent decision Josh has made in his 26 years of life, but really, who can blame him? The idea of showing up at his parents' house and being bombarded with questions was much less appealing, especially with the late hour and how he probably wouldn't even be able to make it through his childhood home's door without having a mental breakdown.

Josh sighs for what had to be the millionth time, raising his hand and knocking on the door softly yet distinctly.

He waits a few minutes, pondering over the whole situation and wondering if showing up at Jordan's door is even a good idea. It's too late to turn back now, he thinks heavily as footsteps on the other side of the door draw closer and closer.

Jordan's face is splotchy when he opens the door, brown eyes half-lidded and sleepy. They widen quickly when he takes in Josh's somewhat disheveled, tired appearance, and the older Dun offers a shaky smile.

"Hey bro," he says, voice cracking.

He doesn't know if it's the sight of his little brother that he missed so deeply on tour that makes his composure crack, or if it's the exhaustion or the emotion catching up to him, but suddenly, something has him bursting into tears, dissolving at a world record. 

"Hey," his younger brother whispers while his arms come to wrap around him comfortingly. "Come on, dude, get in here."

He tugs Josh into the apartment, taking the suitcase from him and setting it in the corner of the living room before dragging his older brother to the couch, pushing on his shoulders to make him sit.

"Hey now," he murmurs as Josh continues weeping, rubbing his leaking eyes with shaking fists as he trembles. Never before had he seen his brother so utterly broken and vulnerable, and it makes Jordan's heart ache.

He quickly sits by him, wrapping an arm around his waist and lifting his other hand to grab at Josh's hands, tugging at them gently and lowering them to his lap.

Josh sobs and lies his head on Jordan's shoulder, pressing his teary face against the younger' neck. 

"It's okay, Josh," he says quietly, thanking the high heavens his roommate in the other room can sleep through a thunderstorm and had a low chance of being awoken. "Whatever is bothering you, we'll get through it, okay?"

Josh shakes his head.

"Hey, don't be like that," Jordan reprimands him softly, though he can't help but admit a part of him fills with fear as Josh continues to cry helplessly, like his whole world had been destroyed. "No more, J, no more."

"I can't see him," Josh groans through his heaving, voice somewhat slurred with exhaustion and emotion. "I c-can't, I can't--"

"You won't, I promise," Jordan reassures, confused but holding his questions back, knowing it isn't the right time to interrogate the older Dun. 

"I don't know what t-to do anymore," Josh continues tiredly, head lolling a bit on Jordan's shoulder as he sobs. "I don' know, I don' know."

"Shhh, you don't have to do anything," Jordan shakes his head, securing his arm around his waist and helping Josh stand up. 

"Come on, lemme bring you to bed, okay? You're tired."

Josh mumbles incoherently for the rest of the time he's barely awake, even as Jordan tugs his jeans off and throws blankets over him, tucking him carefully into his bed.

Jordan hushes him, lying beside his older brother and kissing his cheek gently.

It doesn't take long for Josh to be taken by sleep, and Jordan smiles bitterly. 

He can almost see him dream of palm trees and gentle breezes blowing away the broken fragments of his soul, and feel the warmth of sunlight thaw away the cold of unrequited love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm always chasing perfection when I write my chapters but my metaphorical legs are broken so if this sucks, I'm sorry.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading; I'll update on Friday with a hopefully longer chapter <33 Hope you all are doing okay! ^^


	22. Twentytwø

When he wakes up the next morning, he's surrounded by coconut and vanilla, warm blankets and a gentle breeze brushing his face.

He opens his eyes tiredly, wincing as the bright, afternoon sun pierces his vision. He throws an arm over his eyes, peeking just under the edge of his arm to see the window above him cracked, curtains thrown wide open. He groans, bones aching as he rolls over in the bed, Jordan's scent filling his lungs as he takes a deep breath.

He lies there quietly for a few moments, keeping his brain quiet as he thinks about empty space and vast, blank canvases. 

He doesn't know how long he stays there, staring blankly at his blurry tattoo sleeve, but the door creaks open a while later.

He hears footsteps, a sigh of relief. The bed dips just beside him, and he feels a hand press against his flat stomach, rubbing gentle, comforting circles into the flesh.

"Hey J," Jordan's soft voice cuts through the silence like rose thorns.

It takes a bit for Josh to clear his raspy voice, but he's able to whisper a reply of "Salutations," pulling his arm from over his face and looking over at his brother's concerned face.

"How--uhh--how was your sleep?" he inquires a bit awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Okay," Josh answers, looking down at bit shyly as memories of breaking down at Jordan's doorstep fills his brain. "..Look, I'm sorry for showing up out of the blue and taking your bed--"

"What? No," Jordan protests quickly, leaning down and lying carefully next to Josh. They'd always been close growing up, physically and mentally despite the large age difference, so it really doesn't come as a surprise when Jordan's hand comes up to press against his cheek, gently stroking it reassuringly. "I'm glad you came last night, just a little surprised, is all."

Josh nods, covering his younger brother's hand with his own and tugging it from his face, content with holding it against his chest.

They lie there in silence for a few minutes, the younger Dun studying his older brother after months of not seeing him; the older one staring blankly once more at nothing in particular.

"So, uhh, Josh," he begins hesitantly, looking a bit worried. "You...wanna talk?"

Josh sighs heavily, rolling over onto his back and staring at the ceiling. "You deserve an explanation, I know."

"That I fricking do," Jordan agrees, letting out a soft huff of laughter. "It's not everyday that you turn up at my apartment totally unannounced in the middle of the night." He narrows his eyes. "But I thought you weren't even flying back until today. Why did you change your mind?"

"Had to get away," is all Josh replies with, hoping the fake casualty in his words glue together the overall brokenness of the statement. 

"Did Tyler even go with you?"

"N-no," he denies slowly, wincing. He knows no other answer could raise more suspicion regarding the whole mysterious situation of him suddenly appearing at Jordan's place, and he's correct, because Jordan looks even more worried and confused.

"What? Why not?" and there's something in his voice, a determination in his eyes that screams no lie will get past him, and Josh sighs.

"I..don't really know how to explain the situation," Josh says slowly, reluctant to reopen the Pandora's Box of hurtful memories and bone deep wounds, releasing Jordan's hand and rolling over to face the gray wall.

"Then try," Jordan pleads softly, scooting forward and embracing Josh from behind a bit tentatively. "I'll be patient...and I'll listen, I promise. Just tell me what's wrong."

"...alright."

So Josh opens up, truly and deeply, for what has to be the second time in his life, first to Mark, then to his brother. It takes a bit more guts to spill his rocky, personal life in front of his brother to be judged, but Josh somehow gets through it, keeping the details of his past relationship with Tyler to the bare minimum in order to avoid embarrassment or the risk of bursting into tears again.

However, despite the careful measures taken to preserve what was left of his broken heart, he's teary-eyed by the end of it, voice breaking. 

"And I just don't know what to do anymore, Jordan," he sighs, biting his lip. The mere thought of his best friend is enough to make him emotional, but recalling the events of the past few months that had been less than stellar was pushing it too far. 

"That's..." Jordan blinks, and Josh can tell he's looking a bit angry and somewhat pained as he rubs Josh's chest a bit awkwardly yet soothingly from behind. "That's so screwed up...why, someone ought to teach that douche a lesson--"

"No, J," the older Dun sighs, rolling his eyes and trying to cover up the fact that he's only seconds from breaking down. "I--last thing I need is someone beating him up.. then I'll have the obligation as his friend to take care of him, and being around him isn't something that's exactly appealing at the moment."

"Why would you be obligated to do that for him?" His voice vibrates against his spine as he nuzzles his face against his back. "Did he take care of you?"

"Well, yeah," Josh looks down for a moment, wiping his eyes on the neckline of his shirt. "He used to, at least."

The younger male sighs heavily, reaching out and rolling his brother over to face him. He frowns, pressing his fingertips against Josh's chin, lifting his head when Josh tries to hide. 

The blue-haired boy's stomach flips at the sympathy and sadness in the other's eyes. 

"Josh," he whispers, voice low and sincere, "you know I care about you, right?"

Josh nods, not trusting his breaking voice for a moment and instead mouthing in reply "I love you."

"Well.." Jordan pauses. "You wouldn't be upset if I recommended some course of action for this situation.. would you?"

He shakes his head.

"I think...I think you should take a break," Jordan says seriously, running his thumb against Josh's skin thoughtfully. "It clearly wasn't doing you any good seeing him all the time, especially with that girl in the mix."

"I am taking a break though," Josh retorts confusedly. "Jordan, there was a reason I flew home without him."

"I don't mean that kind of break, not just a few weeks," the younger shakes his head with a sigh. "I meant...well, I don't know, at least a few months or something?" 

The initial thought horrors Josh enough that, despite knowing deep down that his little brother's right, he immediately shakes his head, already feeling his heart clench at the thought of not seeing Tyler for so long. "What?! You can't be serious!"

"Josh, you think you're gonna get better hanging around him?" Jordan argues, looking desperate and exasperated. "He's clearly hurting you; being in his presence has only ever deepened your wounds, hasn't it?"

Josh gulps, tears filling his eyes and spilling over.

"Far away from what's causing you pain is the only place you'll heal, Josh," he explains, looking somewhat remorseful for the ever-present tears streaking down Josh's cheeks. "I know it doesn't sound too nice, but you have to put yourself first before you leave yourself behind. It's only going to hurt you more to see him..okay?"

Josh stares at his younger brother, and a large part of him is throwing a mental tantrum, screaming and melting down. It hurts to even think of being away from Tyler for so long.

"It's gonna be tough, but we'll get through this," Jordan frames his face with his hands and rubs away the tears, pressing a tender kiss against his forehead. "I'll be here with you."

Josh can't help himself when he cracks at the first genuine display of affection in what had to be weeks, and he lets out a sob, clutching onto his brother weakly.

A small part of him hopes Jordan's right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Jordan
> 
> And thank you for reading :) I love and care about you all! Have a great weekend!


	23. TwentyThrēe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting somewhere, I promise.

For a few days after showing up at Jordan's apartment, Josh sulks for a long while, hiding in his younger brother's bed. 

Jordan stares at him with those worried, puppy-brown eyes of his, bringing him bowls of cereal and home-cooked meals. He forces Josh into the shower almost every night in the same way he forces him to drink countless glasses of water, clearly unpleased with how much he cries.

He's adamant in withholding Josh's cellphone from him, having confiscated it on the night the blue-haired boy showed up crying at his front door. Both he and his roomate, Aaron, decided it was best for him not to see the millions of missed calls and unread texts from all of his friends, a large quantity of them being from Tyler. 

It's one day while Josh is sadly eating his funfetti pancakes, looking pathetic with his frown and faded hair, that Jordan collapses beside him on the bed with a heavy sigh.

"Josh," he says softly, grasping the other boy's hand in his own.

Josh looks at him with hallow eyes, the circles under them looking like charcoal and death. He's been pallid for a long time, stark white from hiding away from the sun for so long. 

It makes Jordan's heart hurt.

"Come on, dude," he sighs, leaning forward and enveloping him in a tight hug.

Josh is tense for a few moments, and the younger is about to pull away after a good, awkward five seconds, before he bursts into tears, clutching onto Jordan tightly.

"It's hard," he whispers into his shoulder. "I see him whenever I close my eyes, I see him in the comers of the room, just waiting for me to fall...and it's s-so hard."

"It's okay, Josh," he reassures, caressing his back lovingly. "I know it's tough, but it'll get easier. I promise."

Josh nods, even though he doesn't seem to be very convinced, and pushes his face against his younger brother's neck.

Jordan holds him for the rest of the day.

 

••••••

 

Josh swirls his bowl of pasta around his fork mindlessly, chin in his palm and elbow on the table.

Jordan sometimes wishes he could crack open his brother's head, just to see what's flowing and polluting the rivers of his mind. He wants to boil the water clean of his hurtful thoughts, the twisted, pained look on Josh's face making his heart constantly feel heavy.

He's never seen him so lifeless, quietly stirring and twirling his fork thoughtlessly in his now cold pasta, not even bothering to eat it. 

Jordan sighs, ready to take his fork if necessary and force him to eat; it hurts to see his older brother like this, shut down and withdrawn. It makes him wonder if he should call their parents over, see if familiar faces would help Josh snap out of it. 

A part of him knows it won't.

But suddenly, Josh drops the utensil in his bowl, hands curling into fists and resting against the marble countertop. 

He has a strange look in his eyes, different from the frequent, past blank stares. There's a determination, an unfamiliar stubborness that contrasts the typical emptiness so sharply it almost alarms Jordan.

The younger man sits there, speechless for a moment as Josh stares at the fridge, intensity burning and dripping from every pore in his skin. 

Afraid that even the smallest touch could weave cracks into his soul and break him once more, Jordan keeps his hands to himself and opts for speaking instead, though he keeps his voice lowered. 

"Josh?" he calls uncertainly, gulping a bit when he doesn't even blink. "Hey....Josh?"

It's times like these that he's happy Aaron is frequently absent from the apartment, his job and errand-running keeping him busy for almost the entirety of the time Josh's there, only ever returning at night when Josh is tucked safely away.

"I want to leave."

He says it so suddenly, the statement coming out surely and seriously.

Jordan's stomach drops. "What?"

"Wanna leave Ohio," Josh clarifies, voice almost monotone as he looks at Jordan with unreadable eyes. 

"But..." Jordan struggles to grasp his words, the sudden news sprung upon him making his brain whirl. "But...why?"

Josh falls quiet, looks down at his pasta, picking up the fork between tight fingers and swirling the noodles again.

"There's nothing left for me here."

Jordan can't help but feel a slight sting when his older brother says it, his mind quickly going to their family in Ohio and all the good memories their homestate held. 

Funny how one person can ruin everything, he thinks sullenly.

"It's hard being here," Josh stares quietly, looking around his surroundings with wandering eyes, but for some reason, Jordan knows he isn't referring to the apartment. "I feel so tempted to just...."

He trails off, gulping a little. Jordan can see the mist filling his eyes and he frowns, quickly taking his older brother's hand to try and anchor him.

The older Dun looks quietly down at their intertwined hands, squeezing his younger brother's one gently with his own scarred, rough one.

"You've helped me so much, J," he breathes. "You know I love you."

Jordan bites the inside of his cheek at the way Josh's voice trembles with truth and purity, placing his other free hand above their connected hands and answering, "I love you too..." His thumb strokes over one of the blue veins. "And I'll do anything to help you get better."

Josh looks up a bit, eyes hopeful, and Jordan's decision to let his older brother go is decided for him.

"I'll help you pack," Jordan smiles although it hurts to think of his older brother leaving, but Josh's relieved and thankful smile is worth the pain, he decides. "Where are you thinking of moving?"

Josh falls quiet, mind seeming to whirl for a moment before he quietly whispers, "I've always wondered how California felt during this time of the year."

Jordan grins. He doesn't know why, but palm trees and beach sunsets seem to be the perfect getaway for his older brother.

"I'm sure the weather's beautiful."

 

••••••••

 

It happens when Jordan is packing his brother's shoes neatly into an unlabeled cardboard box, stacking the dress shoes above his sneakers before the doorbell rings.

He can see Josh's head shoots up from where he's kneeling in front of his drawers, hands clenching a maroon-colored shirt.

"Must be Tyler again," their mother says with a small smile, making Josh's lips turn downwards and Jordan's heart ache. "He's been looking for Josh ever since a couples days ago or so."

She looks over at Jordan a bit disapprovingly. "If you told me sooner Josh was here, I could've sent Tyler to visit him at your apartment."

Jordan gulps, not really knowing why he feels so heavy-hearted at the knowledge that she has no idea what Tyler's done to her firstborn, all the while Josh keeps his head down, staring intently at the contents in his drawers, making no move to get up.

"I'll get the door," Jordan volunteers quickly before their mother can say anything else, all but running out of his and Josh's childhood room and down the stairs.

It settles into his system with each rush of blood to his veins.

With each step, he feels his bones begin to shake, something rising in his chest. It burns with every movement made in approaching the door, the knowledge of who was most likely on the other side of the door poisoning his mind drop by drop.

The anger's long overdue, after breeding in his heart for days and always being pushed back for a more appropriate time. Realization that the beast is finally being unlocked and let loose makes Jordan's lips curl into a sneer, his hands shaking.

He'll make Tyler pay for his brother's pain if it's the last thing he does.

Coming to a halt just in front of the door and taking a deep breath, he grips the door handle in his shaking hands and unlocks it.

An inhuman growl slips past his lips as he tugs open the door, and as expected, Tyler stands there.

With the wild emotion burning Jordan alive, he glares at the older man, the worry on his face laughable to the younger, the dark circles under his eyes all but fake.

"Took you long enough," he spits.

"So he's here," Tyler says shakily after a long pause, looking somewhat unbelieving yet almost relieved at the same time. "Did he just get here? I came here a few days ago but your mom said she hadn't seen him yet..."

"He didn't want to see much of anyone," Jordan replies vaguely, still keeping his hard gaze on the brunet.

Tyler shifts a bit uncomfortably under his scrutinizing stare, looking somewhat confused but mostly tired.

Exhausted, even. 

"I've--I've been looking everywhere for him," Tyler admits quietly. "I've been calling and texting him everyday but he's never responded."

"Maybe 'cuz he doesn't wanna speak to such a selfish idiot," Jordan snaps, startling Tyler visibly as his eyes widen. "Maybe he hasn't been answering your calls or texts because he's realized how much better off he is without you."

It takes a bit for his words to sink in, but a disappointed, hurt look crosses over his face.

"He told you what happened, didn't he?" Tyler mumbles, looking down at the ground.

Jordan snorts. "Yeah, but he didn't have to say a word to let me know how fuckin' heartbroken he was." Images of late night crying sessions and lifeless eyes flash in his mind as his own words fill his ears, and Jordan crosses his arms, digs his fingernails into his arms to stop himself from tearing up at the thought. "I've never seen him so destroyed in all my life, not ever--"

"It's my fault," Tyler says quietly, not even looking the younger man in the eye as his voice shakes. "This is all my fault--"

"Damn right it is," Jordan agrees sharply, not caring how his words cut into Tyler. "You know, I thought you cared about him."

Tyler's head darts up, and his brown eyes are tear-filled, red-rimmed like he's begging Jordan not to go on, not to list his sins out loud and make them all the more real.

"Every time I saw you both together, I thought you cared about him, I really did." Jordan bites his lip, the disappointment slipping through the anger as he runs a hand over his face. "But you fooled me, and what's worse is you fooled Josh too."

Tyler's voice is cracking when he retorts quietly, "I do care about him--"

"Stop lying," Jordan glares, hands falling to his sides and clenching into fists. Tyler looks destroyed at the thought, but Jordan doesn't care. "Stop fucking lying for five seconds and tell me the truth: you don't give a damn about my brother."

Tyler opens his mouth to retort, but Jordan cuts him off with a wave of his hand, "No, no, I have a better suggestion," he decides bitterly, feeling clouds of rage pollute his mind. The vengeance in his heart is so palpable it takes over every one of his senses, his mind and will becoming prisoners of his emotions in a split moment. He can't even register the pain in Tyler's face, the approaching footsteps behind him as he aims his gun and pulls the final trigger.

"Why don't you just go kill yourself, Tyler?" he suggests angrily, shaking as the words spill from his lips. A look of horror glazes over Tyler's face, and Jordan smiles proudly, almost seeing the bullet of his words lodged in the older man's heart. "Do me a favor and just fucking jump off a bridge--"

"Jordan!" he hears a sharp whisper, feels a rough hand grab his arm. He spins and faces a horrified, disbelieving Josh, mouth slightly agape and wide eyes pale.

"What?" Jordan rips his arm out of his grip, the mere thought of his older brother trying to protect the man who hurt him the most all but increasing his anger tenfold. "Don't act like you don't approve of what I'm saying--"

"I don't," Josh whispers harshly, glaring at the younger man with fierce eyes as Tyler quickly slips out of the background, harsh sobs filling the air and draining from it just as quickly as he runs away. 

Josh's heart unconventionally and unapologetically aches as Tyler disappears in the distance.

"You're stepping out of line--"

"I'm trying to get rid of him," Jordan retorts, grabbing Josh's shoulders in a desperate hope to make him see with eyes unclouded, but the older Dun pushes him away, shaking his head.

"Not like this," he mumbles, shoving the younger man into the house despite his protests. 

"Hey, stop--!"

Josh presses his hand against Jordan's chest, the other gripping his shoulder, keeping him from trying to run out and hunt Tyler down.

"Let me go!" Jordan demands angrily, grabbing his wrists and trying to pull them away. "I need to teach that bastard a lesson and he's getting away--"

"Stop, Jordan!" Josh shouts, holding him in place tighter than before, but his incessant fighting leads Josh to giving up and dragging the younger man into his arms.

Josh holds him like a vice, unwavering, no matter how much Jordan squirms and struggles.

"I know you're trying to help, but this is something I have to do, okay?" he says into his younger brother's ear, hand stroking the expanse of his tense back and trying to calm him down, the younger's attempts to escape remaining futile. 

He presses his lips against the shell of his ear, kissing and murmuring. "Calm down, Jordan..please, you're just angry."

"I wanna tear him to pieces," Jordan growls, the fear of having Tyler hurt his older brother again compelling him to respond with his most hateful words, pressing his face into Josh's shoulder as his whole body shakes with uncontrolled emotion. 

He stops squirming as Josh's heartbeat presses against his own, and he slumps in his arms, gripping onto his shirt tightly. "He's just gonna hurt you again and I wanna hurt him for what he's done to you and what he's doing to you--"

"You can't, J," Josh murmurs. "That's not how we're fixing this problem."

"I want to--"

"I know," he reassures, pressing a final kiss into his curls before pulling away and cupping his face, forcing Jordan to look into his eyes rather than letting him look out into the world where Tyler escaped to. "That's why I want you to go inside and let me handle this right now, okay?"

Jordan growls, the mention of the idea of Josh going out to confront Tyler unsettling him once more, and he subconsciously tries to get another look over his older brother's shoulder at the long-gone Tyler before Josh grips his chin.

"Stop," he whispers harshly, the affection and calming tone all but replaced with strict requisition, eyes glinting and narrowed with his command.

Jordan can feel the fight physically begin to drain out of him, the desire to please his older brother taking over.

He collapses inwards into himself, slouching over and dropping his gaze to the ground.

"Fine," he relents after a long, pregnant pause, feeling disappointment fill his veins as Josh sighs in relief.

"Thank you, baby," Josh mumbles, pressing a kiss to his forehead before stepping away and moving to the door.

"Be careful?" Jordan pleads just before Josh steps out, wincing at how his voice cracks with his own desperateness.

Josh nods, sending one last warm look to his brother before shutting the door behind him.

Jordan holds his breath for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going down, down in an earlier round.
> 
> That was the longest chapter I've ever written so I'm sorry if there were any mistakes!! Only two more chapters after this...I'm gonna cry.
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone still reading this; you all really are the best <333


	24. Twentÿfour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....there's nothing more disappointing than hating something you worked so hard on... but this chapter is the source of said disappointment.

Josh finds Tyler at his house.

He's sitting on the porch swing, facing away from the street and staring at the white wall of his home.

Josh feels nervous, uncertainty making his head swim as he carefully approaches his best friend.

He stops just as he steps onto the porch, hands shoved deep into his pockets and breath caught in his throat.

He can't see Tyler's face from the angle he's standing at, and for an eerie, reminiscent minute, the brunet doesn't acknowledge him. 

Josh clears his throat after the tension begins getting too heavy, and Tyler seems to startle, jumping a bit and turning swiftly.

The blue-haired boy's heart sinks at sight of tears trailing down Tyler's cheeks, the way his chocolate eyes widen with surprise at the sight of him.

"Josh," he croaks, quickly raising his arm to wipe away his tears as he shifts in the porch swing to face the drummer. "I...I--uhh--"

"Ty, please don't listen to what my brother said," Josh wastes no time in dancing around what needs to be said first, frowning as Tyler looks down, rubbing his hands.

He feels sick when he sees new scars on his tan hands, new broken skin in the form of teeth marks and dried blood. 

"Oh..." Tyler pauses, trying to get rid of the tremble in his voice with a forced cough. 

"He was just mad," Josh continues, taking a few steps forward and leaning against the thin pillar supporting the roof hanging over the both of them, just to get a closer look at Tyler. "He didn't mean what he said."

His heart clenches at the beat, worn down look on Tyler's face, the way his cheekbones stick out more sharply than normal.

"It doesn't matter," Tyler mumbles, before a small, dry laugh spills from his lips. "I've been thinking about doing it anyway."

"Please don't say that," Josh looks away, the sincerity in his best friend's voice at the seemingly casual yet serious statement making his stomach flip at the thought.

Tyler just shrugs.

They stand in silence for a few minutes, their minds wandering down possibilities and situations they could find themselves in in a matter of minutes.

Josh doesn't really know what to say, and Tyler doesn't either. There's not enough to be said, and too much at the same time.

Nothing, however, can prepare them for the storm ahead.

As they wait in silence, anxiety begins to consume Josh, nibble by nibble, bite by bite. It threatens to burst forward, to explode when it gets too overwhelming, and he's speaking before he realizes it.

"So, this is it?"

Tyler looks up, looking not at all confused but more so hurt.

It somehow irks Josh, like Tyler's mocking him, like all of the times they could easily fall into deep conversations about tiny or stupid things were fake, scripted exchanges of speech like a forgotten play.

"We're just never talking anymore, is that what's happening?" 

"Josh..." he sighs, dropping his gaze to the porch.

He remains quiet for a minute, they both do. Words are trapped in Tyler's throat, so much Josh needs to hear, so much he needs to tell him. There's nowhere to start, and that's what gets him stuck, mind choosing and switching between so many topics and explanations that he can barely keep up.

Josh takes his silence the wrong way, thinks Tyler is just shutting off again. It hurts, burning with memories of nights and days spent alone. 

"Why am I surprised?" Josh huffs, tears starting to fill his eyes against his will. It's all happening too fast yet too slow, and he begins feeling overwhelmed, trapped and choked up. "This isn't the first time you just tried to just ignore me and throw me out anyway."

Tyler's head snaps up at that, and he looks horrified.

"Josh, I didn't--"

"--mean to hurt me?" he finishes, and he suddenly feels tired, like the weight of the world is suddenly placed on his shoulders, though it's been there for as long as he can remember. "Well, you did, Tyler. You hurt me over and over and over."

Tyler at least has the decency to look ashamed of himself, cheeks burning red as he looks down once again, chest tight.

Josh swallows the lump in his throat, ignoring the way his voice cracks. "Did I really matter that little to you?"

"Josh--"

"How could I not see it?" he whispers, staring at the ground as his lip wobbles. "How was I so blind that I couldn't see I was a single sentence in your book while you were chapters in mine?"

"Josh," Tyler croaks, standing and taking a step forward, pretending it doesn't kill him when Josh takes a step back. "That's not true."

"I loved you, Ty," he murmurs, tears spilling freely down his cheeks as he squeezes his eyes shut. "I-I loved you so much and you were everything to me."

"You were more," the brown-haired boy tries to protest, and as much as Josh wants to believe it, he knows he can't fall for any more lies, not even to save himself. "I loved you so much too, Josh, and I still love you--"

"Then why did you keep leaving me?" Josh interrupts with a sharp whisper, snapping his head towards his best friend and glaring at him as best as he can. "Why did you think it was okay to trick me, to lie and act like I was your entire world before dropping me constantly, without a second thought?"

"I--" Tyler swallows hard, the visible tears filling his eyes physically paining Josh. "I never meant to hurt you that way.."

"But you did," Josh argues once more, his words coming out shaky and weak yet the impact isn't less hurtful for the brunet. "You destroyed me every time you kissed me then kicked me out of bed, every time you held me before stabbing a knife in my back."

"Josh, I--" a tear slips down his cheek. "I--I was so selfish.."

Josh is silent, not out of choice but out of his disability to say a word, too stolen of breath or speech with the way Tyler begins falling apart, a tear trailing down his cheek, followed by another.

"I was so selfish that entire time," he begins shakily. "I was so selfish when I let myself give into my desire, when I let us get too close. But that night in the hotel..."

He pauses, shakily taking a breath as he tilts his head back in a vain attempt to stop the tears.

"Josh, you were so...beautiful.."

His breath catches in his throat, and he watches as Tyler smiles bitterly, perhaps recalling the taste of his lips that night.

"You were always so, so beautiful to me," he confesses, and Josh can't tell if the honesty on his face is better or worse than if it were deception. "With your pretty eyes and perfect lips and perfect face and perfect everything.. even your hands, Josh."

The mention of the appendages makes Josh subconsciously curl them into hiding, shoving his fists deeper into his pockets.

"Your sensitivity and sweetness always bled into everything you did, and everyone could see it.. I loved your heart so, so much. How could you not expect me to love you, to want to have you and protect you?"

"But you hurt me.." Josh whispers, watching Tyler bow his head in shame.

"Yes," he admits, quietly but surely. "I hurt you; the moment I let myself go, the moment our lips touched, I was hurting you."

"But I loved...being with you," Josh protests, voice trembling as Tyler only shakes his head. "Ty, why else would I replay those moments over and over in my head, even now? Why would I keep crawling back for more?"

"I shouldn't have done that to you--"

"Tyler, I needed that," Josh says more forcefully, frustration rising as his best friend just shakes his head again and closes his eyes. "I wanted it just as much--"

"It was so selfish of me--"

"But--"

"Josh--"

"Listen to me--"

"You don't understand--"

"Tyler!" Josh shouts, fed-up and forcing the other to look at him with his raised tone. He throws his hands in the air and paces the creaking, white wood of the porch. "I swear, you never listen to me--"

"Josh--"

"It's always about you--!"

"Josh!" Tyler shouts as well, and Josh pauses, glaring at the other, though he feels his heart soften at the renewed tears in the brunet's eyes.

"It wasn't right," Tyler insists, raising his hand when Josh opens his mouth to interrupt him. "No, Josh, it wasn't."

He feels his lip begin wobbling, fresh liquid filling his eyes after dissipating for a short amount of time. 

"Why?" he whispers.

"Because I can't be who you want," Tyler says with a sigh, another tear slipping out but being hastily wiped away with a trembling hand and a shaky exhale.

"You were enough--"

"No, I wasn't," Tyler denies. "I loved you and still love you with all of my heart, Josh. My feelings for you aren't in question..."

Josh wants to nod, agree. He wants to scream it to the world, that no matter how much he's been through, he's still completely and utterly in love with the boy in front of him.

"But, Josh..." he sighs. "I...I could never give you what you deserve. I could never get the courage to kiss you out of our bedroom, or act intimately with you otherwise in public.. remember when my mom called and I was upset?"

Josh doesn't need to nod to say yes, as Tyler can see how he pales with the thought.

"I was upset because she was talking to me, about how she was looking forward to when I found the perfect wife and had children, to when I would get my cookie cutter, white picket-fence life. She said over and over that all of my siblings are married besides the youngest, which is to be expected, how they are all settling down and getting kids.. it's not the first time she's mentioned it, and she wants it for me, Josh."

By the end of his explanation, suddenly, everything lines up, making sense.

"So..so you tore yourself away from me over and over because..."

"She always told me of her 'visionary dream' for me, ever since I graduated high school, ever since I got my first job, ever since we got on the road," Tyler sighs. "I guess it only really impacted me that one night because...well, at that time, I had you."

Josh lets out an unsteady exhale, lungs feeling tight. His gaze falls away from Tyler and he finds himself staring at the road blankly, trying to process all that had been said.

"So you're just letting her control your life?" Josh scoffs after a few moments of silence, sarcastic yet tearily. "You're throwing away your feelings for her to be happy? Do you even love Jenna, Tyler?"

"I do," and Josh feels his heart crack. "She's sweet, she takes care of me, and she loves me back... but I don't love her like I love you. Honestly," Tyler lets out a hurt, little laugh. "I don't think I'll ever find someone I'll love as much as you... No one."

Tears begin streaking down his cheeks as he turns to look at Tyler, shaking when he sees the same, familiar heartbreak in his eyes.

"Ty--"

"It wouldn't even work out between us," Tyler cuts him off, effectively plucking the poorly stitched strings out of his heart one by one. "No amount of love can make any of this right, Josh. No amount of love can make me worthy of..of you."

"Tyler--"

"You're such an angel," he murmurs almost bitterly. "You're always putting everyone before yourself and never thinking about how much you're hurting. You've got too much love, Josh.. too much love for such a selfish, horrible person."

"Don't say that about yourself," Josh says weakly, taking a step forward. "Don't you dare."

"It's true," Tyler shakes his head, tears beginning to slip steadily down his cheeks and voice cracking more and more every second. "I'm so--I'm so dirty and disgusting and all I ever did was hurt the most important person of my life."

Josh looks down, a small sob escaping his lips. There's a painful twisting in his heart, and it hurts so much.

The silence that follows seems to stretch into eternity; not even the cold wind or the birds crying out able to fill the heavy silence.

It's centuries before he speaks again.

"But just because we can't be together like that doesn't mean we don't have to be at all," Tyler suggests weakly, although Josh can tell it's as unappealing to him as it is to Josh. "We can keep making music together, keep being..friends."

Josh thinks about it, before he realizes it's an easy question, one that had been frequently popping up in the past weeks.

The clarity of the answer doesn't make it any easier to say.

Lips tremble, and fear is swallowed for a quick moment.

"No."

His face falls. "Josh--"

"It'll only kill us, Tyler," he murmurs. "It'll hurt so much to leave you but I would never survive having you only partially."

"But how would you know--"

Josh's eyes flash. "Of course you wouldn't know how it feels. I mean, it's not like I was the one who went out and got a girlfriend."

Tyler flinches.

"But...you can't just give up music," he whispers, looking just as horrified at the thought as Josh feels. "It's your dream..it's always been your dream--"

"You know what the ironic thing is?" 

Tyler stares at him, looking already so hurt, with tears streaming from his chocolate-cosmos eyes and his fists shaking and clenched.

But nothing could prepare Josh for the way Tyler absolutely crumples, visibly breaking before his eyes like porcelain when Josh whispers,

"You were my dream too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys didn't hate this chapter as much as I do :/ but obviously it's okay if you did cuz I understand 
> 
> Anyways, hope you all are doing alright! Have a good weekend <33


	25. TwentyFîve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not feeling well, so if this sucks...
> 
> Well, I mean, I generally kinda suck at ending stories so that could be it too.

Josh doesn't talk much for the next few days as he packs, resorting to nodding or shaking his head. No matter how much his siblings or parents try to start conversations with him, he answers as clipped and shortly as humanely possible, feeling a bit bad whenever he sees the dejection in their eyes but hurting too much to care.

He shies away from touch, even his own younger brother's, no matter how much it aches to see the pained, melancholic look in Jordan's face whenever he flinches at his touches.

He keeps his phone off, ever since getting it back from Jordan. When he eventually turns it back on, he forces himself to avoid looking at it so much, to ignore any texts coming in from his friends. He figures they'd call if it was important enough.

The day of his flight arrives faster than expected, and he's hauling his crap together to be able to get to the airport in time. The boxes fill the trunk in somewhat of a neat yet disordered mess, and Jordan drives faster than legally allowed, egged on by his older brother who keeps glancing silently yet pointedly at the time.

When they get to the airport, the employees gather Josh's boxes to put in another separate compartment of the plane, sending the rest with a different aircraft full of luggages and bulky belongings.

As they speedily walk through the airport, Josh's heart gets more and more lodged in his throat, the impending goodbye making his hands sweaty and his head spin a bit.

He's leaving Columbus.

He's leaving Ohio.

Never in a million years did he think this would happen. He tries not to think too hard about all of the things and people he loves in his homestate, getting a bit teary-eyed as he remembers his mother's and father's goodbyes, their last, warm, tight hugs and sad eyes.

It's somewhat disheartening when he gets to his gate-way entry to his plane, seeing so many excited and happy people filling the waiting area.

He feels somewhat detached from the world, at least the one he seems to be in now. It's almost as if he's spectating, like he's watching everyone talk animatedly with joyful gestures and sparkling eyes. They all seem so jubilant and lively; Josh silently hopes maybe one day, he could be like that too.

He pauses right as he steps across the line separating the waiting lobby from the rest of the airport, hesitantly turning around.

Jordan stands there, staring back at him, nose red and eyes full of water.

"J," he mumbles softly, one of the first words he's said to his younger brother ever since Tyler showed up at their childhood home days ago. 

"You have to leave, I know," Jordan croaks, but he looks pained, like he's losing something important and he can barely stand it.

Josh's brow furrows. "What's wrong?"

"You have to leave," Jordan repeats, starting to shake a little. "I know you have to leave but...."

Josh doesn't let him finish, wasting no time in pushing away his selfish need for distance and instead tugging Jordan into his arms. He holds him tight while the younger man cries against his shoulder, the fingers digging into his back hurting but Josh never minding one bit.

"I don't want you to go," Jordan admits quietly, sounding ashamed. "I'm the one who talked you into getting distance but I don't want you to go--"

"I know, J, I know," he reassures, weaving his fingers into the deep chocolate curls resting on the back of Jordan's head and stroking gently. 

"I just--I just wanted to say that," he takes a deep breath, holding in a sob and forcing himself to pull away just enough to look into his older brother's eyes, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

Jordan looks down, shame painting his cheeks a rosy red. "For what I said," elaborates, sounding troubled and grasping for words, "to Tyler."

Josh's heart skips a beat. "O-oh.."

"I didn't mean it," he promises, looking up hopefully at Josh. The older Dun frowns, wondering how he never noticed the haunted, guilty look on Jordan's face that he'd been seeing all week.

"And I know, there's no excuse for what I said," he continues, sniffing a little as his eyes begin watering again. "But I just--I just want him to forgive me and I want you to know that I didn't--"

"It's okay," Josh says softly, smiling a bit when the younger Dun looks at him unsurely. He presses his hand against his cheek, draws him closer with a hand on his waist as he whispers, "It's okay, I promise."

Jordan lets out a sob, clutching onto him tightly as he gushes brokenly. "I texted him earlier that I was sorry but he hasn't responded and my mind has been torturing me about what I said and--"

"As long as you said sorry, it's alright, Jordan," he sighs, feeling a twinge of pride burning in his heart at the knowledge that his younger brother reached out to fix his mistake out of his own free will. "It's okay, he'll forgive you."

They stay like that for a long time, just standing at the edge of the waiting area, wrapped up in one another's arms. The whole world seems to spin at dizzying rates around them, so much speech and action unfolding around the two, unmoving brothers.

The call for Josh's plane boarding eventually separates them both, Jordan pulling away first with teary, crimson-rimmed eyes and a blotchy face.

"I--I guess you really gotta get going now, huh?" Jordan laughs a bit, clearly trying to hide his sorrow and only increasing Josh's own. 

"Yeah," he says slowly, looking behind himself to see people starting to line up at the entry door to the plane.

"Hey," Jordan murmurs, and he feels gentle fingers grasp his chin.

Jordan's smiling bittersweetly when Josh looks at him, and he feels the time running out, the curtain drawing close above them.

He pulls his younger brother into his arms one last time, tiptoeing just the tiniest bit to bury his face into Jordan's curls. He breathes deeply and smiles, eyes filling with tears.

Tyler may have been his hardest goodbye, but Jordan is undoubtedly his second.

"Thank you so much," he whispers, gently pressing kisses into his hair. "Thank you, thank you, thank you--"

"Of course, J," Jordan mumbles, looking up into his older brother's eyes as his lips tremble, a tear streaking down his cheek. 

They're both gentle when they cup one another's cheeks, used to saying goodbye and throwing in as much physical affection as possible, but this time, it feels different.

It feels permanent, and although Josh knows it's not, it doesn't hurt for either of them any less.

Their eyes are identical, coffee and mocha; looking into the mirror, they'd find very few differences, but Jordan is always somehow enchanted whenever he loses himself in Josh's loving, protective gaze, and that fact is only solidified by how long they stare at one another, the minutes slipping by effortlessly.

"Bye baby bro," Josh finally says, leaning forward with a sad smile as Jordan does the same.

Their lips connect for a brief moment, soft flesh against flesh.

"Bye," Jordan whispers, pressing another kiss to his lips one last time before pulling away.

His feet are heavy as they walk to his airplane gate, and he hesitates just before he walks through.

The hall leading to the aircraft seems to stretch for miles, and he's constantly reminding himself to breathe slowly, to calm his racing heart.

It's only when he gets seated by the window, when the plane begins rolling its way down the runway, when they take off into the air smoothly and quickly that Josh suddenly feels a weight lift from his shoulders.

He looks down at Ohio, his home, one last time before it goes out of sight, but when it does, he's able to close the window shade, press the back of his head against the headrest and close his eyes.

There's no going back.

 

••••••

 

It takes months for Josh to settle into L.A.

It's fast-paced and busy, very much different from Columbus with its variation of culture and people.

It takes a long while for Josh to become familiar with life in California, from the constantly warm seasons to the staggering number of beaches.

It doesn't take half as long for Josh to fall in love with it though.

He becomes accustomed to the fast-paced life, able to find recluse in his small apartment when things get too much. He settles into a slightly less busier part of the city, content with the location and surroundings. 

During that period of time, he privates his social media accounts, blocking messages from people he doesn't follow. It breaks his heart to tear himself away from the fans, knowing how heartbroken and disappointed they would be, but he doesn't let that stop him; he's mourning the loss of his band too.

It becomes easier and easier to ignore messages from his friends (Tyler), in the same way it becomes a practical reflex to decline each and every one of their (his) calls.

He keeps his records and journal and posters hidden in a box, under the bed. He almost cries when he pushes it out of sight, only comforted by the promise that, one day, he'll open it when he's ready.

He refuses to touch his drum kit for the first two months, finding it hard to even look at it sitting in the corner of his living room and collecting dust.

He can almost see Tyler on his keyboard or his ukulele, strumming along and singing happily in the opposite corner; that image, however, fades away with time, and although it's something Josh will never forget, it becomes easier to push into the back of his mind.

Jordan visits him once a few months after Josh's moving, and he's thoroughly impressed with everything, from Josh's new home to the touristy sights they visit.

"I'm proud of you," he says quietly the night before he leaves, gently squeezing his older brother's shoulder as he looks into his eyes with all of the adoration and love his young heart can muster, and for once, Josh is happy.

It doesn't last long.

He gets a call early one morning, multiple ones actually. His phone buzzes non-stop on the small nightstand beside his bed, and although he promised himself he wouldn't let it interfere with his sleep, it gets annoying to listen to after what had to be the millionth call.

"Wha--" he mumbles sleepily, blinking blearily at his neon green alarm clock: 5:34 AM.

"Josh!" Jordan practically shouts into his ear, and the older Dun pulls the cellphone from his ear, wincing. "Finally! Ive been trying to get a hold of you--"

"J, time zones, remember?" he yawns, rubbing his eyes. Normally he'd be ecstatic to talk to his little brother, but early in the morning wasn't exactly the most ideal time he had in mind. 

"Of course I remember time zones," Jordan sighs, voice lowering in volume. 

There's a pause for a moment, where Josh is just lying on his pillow with his eyes closed and the phone pressed once again to his ear, Jordan breathing on the other side and thinking quietly.

"So what's up?" Josh inquires after a long while, feeling like he could doze off to the absolute silence.

"...Josh," Jordan says hesitantly, and it captures the older man's attention immediately, the tone of his voice a bit worrying and alarming with how soft and reluctant it becomes all of the sudden.

His eyes open. "What?"

There's another stretch of silence.

"I....well, I don't know how to say this," he admits, gulping like he always did when he gets nervous.

Josh's brow furrows, and he sits up slowly. "What's going on, J?"

"Umm...you haven't got on the internet today?" there's a sudden crack in his voice and he stops speaking.

"It's five in the morning here, when was I supposed to get on the internet?" Josh asks confusedly. "Jordan, can you please get to the point?" 

"Can you go on your laptop and scan the trending topics?" 

Josh slaps his hand over his face, barely able to deal with his younger brother's cryptic demands with how sleepy his brain still is, but nevertheless, he forces his aching legs to stand up on the cold paneled floors, padding over to the desk a few paces away and collapsing on the chair.

He opens up his laptop, clicking the internet icon and waiting for it to load.

"J, I swear, if this is about some--"

His eyes catch the list of topics and his breath gets caught in his throat at the first line.

He can't speak for a short while, just staring at it in shock. He registers the words, but his body and mind seem paralyzed in the first stage of horror and disbelief.

Jordan is quiet for a long time as Josh just stares, and it's almost ten minutes before he calls his brother's name softly.

"Josh?"

Then comes the denial.

"No," Josh says, the simple word coming out choked and broken. Even when he clenches his eyes shut, the words are imprinted on the backs of his eyelids, and they're all he can see. 

"No, no....no, it's all fake."

"Joshie--"

"It's a hoax, Jordan," he says, though it sounds sour to even his own ears. "It's a joke."

"J, please--"

"It's not real!" he shouts finally, the thought of his sleeping neighbors on either sides of his apartment, the thought of his brother listening in closely to his broken words all but forgotten.

The rest of the world's fallen away but the words staring at Josh, printed in simple ink against the blaring white screen seem to scream at him.

"No, no," Josh buries his face in his hands, slaps himself as if trying to wake up from the nightmare he's suddenly stuck in. 

He drops his cellphone without thinking, ignores the way Jordan was in the middle of saying how the only note left was addressed to him, ignoring the way he shouts for him when the phone clatters to the ground.

"Tyler," he gasps, clenching his shirt in his tight fist and the other stuffing itself into his mouth. 

A broken, animalistic cry wrenches out of his throat at the pain overtaking him, tears filling his eyes and slipping down his face as each second passes, further cementing him into this twisted nightmare.

Every minute that passes by seems to mock him, seems so empty with the thought that he could've picked up the phone, he could've called.

Instead, months passed with no word between them, and now, Tyler's no more to the world than another young singer who had so much potential, who helped touch and fix so many lives, who ended up jumping from a bridge into highway traffic.

"Not Tyler," he sobs, mind whirling and cries coming out hysterical as he chews on his fingers.

He chews and cries and bites.

Hard.

There's blood flowing freely down his arms and dripping onto his phone and the floors of his new home, but for once, it's not his crimson liquid draining from him, not his scarlet life slipping away more and more each moment.

Because, in that moment and forever more, all he can see is blood.

And it's Tyler's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to make you cry... this was:
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1FbZvDba6ew
> 
> (Tell me that's not actually Tyler Joseph singing and that song isn't 1000% accurate to how he's feeling in this story ;-;)
> 
> Anyways, thanks so much to everyone who's ever read this. This was really difficult to end and I know it was probably bad because I re-wrote it like 50 times. I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted, but please know I'll be working on other stuff and trying to improve my stories and writing.
> 
> Thank you <333


End file.
